moosh in indy.

One of our Christmas traditions is to have an enormous bowl of M&M’s out and about from the moment we wake up until we pass out in a candy coated shell by night. Depending on how many people are around for Christmas the bowl is normally polished off by mid afternoon.

However this year there were only four of us and two of the three of us don’t really fit comfortably in our pants leading us to go easy on the bowl. We had lots of leftovers.

Lunch on December 26th consisted of leftovers (turkey!). When the moosh requested something else Cody said “Kid, we are only having leftovers for lunch.”

I then watched as a lightbulb popped up in her head as she muttered “The M&M’s are leftover, therefore M&M’s will be my lunch.” She then marched across the room, got a handful and sat back at the table.

When Cody finally noticed and started to say something I explained her logic in having “leftovers” for lunch.

The lawyer in him was appalled and proud at the very same time.

Can’t sleep.

My first instinct is to write. Always has been, even before this blog, before the moosh, before Cody and even before the tumultous years of high school.

I have kind of faded into the background in the world of blogging and it’s my own doing.  It’s changed so much since I started almost four years ago. There’s lists going around of the 50 best this and the 50 most that. There’s awards and sponsorships and jobs and books and articles and TV appearances. I’m not really a part of any of them.

And I don’t really care.

Now I’m in no way saying I’m above any of it, because I’m certainly not, everyone likes to be noticed and praised every now and again.

I don’t remember the exact question I asked Jen Lancaster last year at Blissdom, but I will never forget her answer.

“The first time I made myself laugh with my own writing is no more important than the first time I made the New York Times bestseller list.“

I have never had a bestselling book, an appearance on CNN or even been on the mystical “A-List Blogger” radar.

But I have saved someone’s life with something I wrote.

I inspired someone to complete a daunting goal.

Something I wrote has been published in a real live book.

I’ve made friends I’ll still treasure even when my teeth are removable and I’m wearing diapers.

I watched with envy for so long as so many of you went on to accomplish amazing things and form fantastic bonds with companies and other bloggers. But I’m at peace where I’m at, and I marvel at what so many of you have accomplished in the four years I’ve been around. I marvel because I know just how much work it is to get where you’re at, and beyond that how much more work it is to maintain everything you’ve worked so hard for.

Despite so much nasty press about bloggers over the past year, I’m proud to be in your company. To be a part of this thing so many of us do. The experiences and the “stuff” that has come from this simple act of writing have already exceeded what I ever thought imaginable.

Even with that I still have a blogger bucket list (can’t just give up now can I?)

• Write and publish a book.
• Get explored on flickr.
• Get one of those blogger trips to Disneyworld everyone else seems to go on. (seriously, it’s like Disneyworld is the blogger holy land.)
• Meet Julie Andrews.
• Be the subject of a professional photo shoot.
• Work at Hallmark.

Four years ago when I started my list would have looked something like this:

• make someone laugh.
• don’t quit.
• your and you’re, use them properly.

A lot has changed. The only things that haven’t changed? The name of this blog and that that I’m the one who writes for it.

Honestly, that’s it.

Dude, it’s four am. I’m hitting publish. Brain? If you want our fingers to write anything else you’re going to have to take a number.

Let me tell you a little about my life so far in 2010.

I get to cook. A lot. Counter space! A fridge that has it’s own zip code! A dishwasher that does everything short of load and unload itself! A kitchen faucet that is more bendy than Sting! It’s spectacular. Three meals in a day is hardly enough to keep me occupied.

Every night Cody and I do this little ditty called P90X. Maybe you’ve seen the infomercials. Yeah. It’s one of those workouts. The leader dude is named Tony Horton (or as I call him, Tony Ho) and if you were to be in the same room when Tony is telling me what to do you would hear me break my New Year’s resolution to swear less.

But here’s the thing. I’ve done the Shred thing with Jillian. Jillian is a wench (edited to honor aforementioned resolution.) I hate her. And her little backup minions are way to big on the smiling! and the perky! And I’m sorry, but when someone says “THESE ABS DON’T COME FOR FREE!” it makes me want to sit on her and force feed her a cheeseburger while I have a Klondike bar and yell something like “I’LL BET THOSE EYEBROWS DON’T COME FOR FREE!” Tony’s a little more my style, even though his workouts are over an hour, make me swear and leave me whimpering when I get out of bed, stand up or basically do anything other than breathe,  I’ll stick with him (As long as Cody does it with me, I have the motivation of a five year old doing taxes when it comes to working out.)

After our workout we shower and gather again, only this time wrapped in faux Snuggies. (His is Broncos themed, mine is the Rolls Royce of stupid blankets with sleeves from Brookstone.)

It’s a darn good thing I got mine in pink because Cody has Rolls Royce Snuggie envy.

Once relaxed and Snuggified we each do our thing, him watching football, me looking at funny pictures of cats exploring the very depths of the Internet. Often times you will find us playing Super Mario Bros. on the Wii. Have you played this game yet? Let me tell you, Mario (Cody) can either help Luigi (me) out or screw him over royally which includes but is not limited to jumping on his head, pushing him into black holes, nailing him with turtle shells, taking all the mushrooms for himself or squashing him off screen.

We’re learning to play civilly.

It helps that Tony Ho takes the brunt of my anger.

Not to mention it’s really hard to be angry wrapped in a freaking oversized backwards robe.

(shockingly, I wasn’t paid for any of this…)

“…having gone through crazy postpartum depression and anxiety I can’t tell you how nice it is to know that there are people like you- good people who can be honest about how mental illness is real and isn’t our fault. Sometimes, even though you know you’re just fighting your own brain, it hurts like hell and you don’t know if you can go on the way you have been.”

I went back through the other night and responded to emails people had sent me over the last few months, thanking me for something I had written, for being honest about the ugly nuggets in certain areas of my life. Some were over four months old. But I needed to thank you for them and apologize for having my head so far up my butt I could have performed some major personal surgery.

“I just thought it would be ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, FREAKIN IMPORTANT to tell you…. That I am probably one of a gazillion people whose life you’ve made a smidgen better because you’re in it.  You are one of very few people that have the ability to teach others to just be themselves. And that is a very rare trait to have. The several of us that are better because of you… we thank you.”

While I did read them when I received them, I didn’t necessarily comprehend them.

“I’ve been an avid reader for quite some time but don’t comment very often. I read your post “being your mom with depression” and cried with relief that there was someone else out there who goes through what I do.”

Anyone who’s dealt with depression or any kind of crazy knows that it feels as though it will never end, and people telling you “this too shall pass” or “get over it” kind of make you want to shove things up their bums as well.

“Maybe it’s not much, maybe it’s not enough…but your words got me brave enough to say it, at least here. Thank you Casey for being you and for making me laugh and cry and smile and for teaching me things I didn’t know about turkeys and faith and most of all for sharing “the faking” on a day I was thinking of how well I’m “faking” my life. Thank you for letting me know that maybe I’m not totally alone.”

I guess what I wanted to say is that when you get that feeling to write somebody something heartfelt or out of genuine concern, just do it. If they don’t respond chances are it’s not because they are a jerk. It’s probably because they’re suffocating. And when they can breathe again? I hope they’ll give you the thanks you deserve. I for one feel I can never repay those who have taken time out of their lives to thank me for doing what comes so naturally to me.

“I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, and I love your candid, unapologetic posts. The way you’ve written about your mental health has really had an impact on me. I’m bipolar, and only a few people in my life know…Thank you for writing the way you do about this topic. It really helps to know that I’m not alone in this, and I wanted you to know that you aren’t either. Reading your blog helps. Thank you.”

I hope one day I can give you all the thanks you deserve. I’d have you all over to my house for milk and cookies if I could.

“Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your heart with us. I am certain that those of us who have journied through the dark days of infertility/depression and those currently walking the road, are encouraged to know someone else shares their unspoken feelings/thoughts/emotions.”

If you met me for the first time over the last 6 months? That wasn’t me. Can we get a do over please? For those of you who stuck it out with me? Thank you. Thank you a million times over. You are the stainless steel in my kitchen of life.

xoxo

I scoured flickr for days looking at light painting photos.

Then I realized, hey. I’ll bet I could do that.

And guess what? It’s easy. (As long as you have the right stuff.) See?

Can’t see the video? Click here.

You’ll need a camera that can do a long exposure (at least 4 or 5 seconds) a friend to hit the shutter for you, a remote or self timer (I used a remote and the self timer) a tripod or steady surface and a light source. I used one of the moosh’s flashy toys for my January 1st picture. I’ve also used a flashlight and an LED keychain.

The app I use is called DSLRemote. There’s a $1.99 version and a pro $19.99 version. Works with Canon or Nikon, iPhone or iPod touch.

8″ exp.

200 ISO.

f/9.

47mm.

This is the photo from the tutorial…

Seriously.

Have fun.

Hi 2010.

I’m going to be swearing less.

Praying more.

Fighting less.

Loving more.

I’ll also be drinking a lot more water.

I’ll be nice to you if you’ll be nice to me.

xo, a very tired Casey fresh from 2009.