moosh in indy.

January 12, 2010

I have tried to take my own life more than the one time I have acknowledged on this blog.

Almost exactly two years ago I drove myself to the hospital. The entire drive there I had to keep talking myself out of driving into oncoming traffic. My eyes were puffy, they stung from all the crying and my heart felt as though it had been pummeled by a meat tenderizer.

Alone. Broken. Hopeless. Alone. Broken. Hopeless.

I called Cody from the parking lot and told him where I was and what I was about to do.

Voluntarily commit myself.

He understood. It wasn’t the first time that me going back into the hospital had been considered.

He offered to meet me there, I volunteered to come home. He found somewhere for little Addie to go and he took me to the mental crisis unit of the hospital.

It all came back so fast. The locked doors, the patients talking to themselves, random screams and the constant buzz of florescent lighting. The doctor I met with was named Dr. Wink. Dr. Wink saved my life that night. There was no judgement.

She got it.

She understood my fear of going back “in there” but she also understood how I had come to a point where “in there” may be the only safe place for me to be. We talked for a long time. She didn’t commit me, instead she gave me hope. Hope that I could make it through this without having to hand over my shoelaces and pride.

I left with hope. And a very important prescription. I have been taking that prescription since and have not once felt I needed to go back there.

****

Mental illness is not a choice.

Nor is it a cop out, curable or something that one can merely “get over” like a pulled hamstring.

There is nothing wrong with taking a pill to get me through the involuntary chemical imbalances in my own head.

I’m not going to lie, there are some days I hate that stupid pill. I hate taking it, I have even tried to go without. I hate that my body can’t just “work.” But something up there doesn’t fire right and the repercussions from a misfire can be devastating. So I take the pill.

No one has ever thought any less of me for needing contacts to see or prescription strength deodorant to keep me from sweating like a pig in the sun on the fourth of July. The same goes for my depression medication.

If you are suffering, please. It’s not a cop out to get help. There are people out there like Dr. Wink who know it’s not your fault and that you would never volunteer to feel the way you do, alone, broken and hopeless.

If those words resonate anywhere ANYWHERE within you, please. Find someone to talk to. Anyone. There’s websites, phone numbers, friends, me, doctors and clergy that will listen. That cold rainy night in February last year didn’t end the way I had it in my head, if it had I would have either had a toe tag or my name on commitment papers.

I can’t even say I was looking for a miracle. Miracles don’t exist to someone trapped inside their own brains. What I was given was hope through the words of another. Enough hope to get me home, enough hope to try a new medication. Enough hope to know that I would feel “normal” again.

And enough hope to know that these demons I battle are not my fault.

****

Karissa, or Krissy as her family called her, took her own life on Saturday. I have scoured her tweets and her site looking for any sort of hint that would have hinted at how alone, broken and hopeless she felt. Aside from “taking a break” there was nothing. No hints to anyone online that she was slipping.

After reading through her comments I noticed how many people she had supporting her. And after knowing of her passing, how many people mentioned that they had thought about reaching out to her but didn’t.

I wrote this last week, it’s haunting.

I guess what I wanted to say is that when you get that feeling to write somebody something heartfelt or out of genuine concern, just do it. If they don’t respond chances are it’s not because they are a jerk. It’s probably because they’re suffocating.

January 5, 2010

and to everyone I wrote these words in the post about my overdose,

I am not ashamed now because I have a message, if someone says they’re not doing so well, please listen. I tried to tell someone that I was not well a week before this happened. They brushed it off as pregnancy hormones and sleepiness. I didn’t want to push, maybe it was just pregnancy after all. But that’s just my point, those who truly need your help will rarely shout for it. They will suffer silently hoping somebody, anybody will notice. Those who are truly hurting will not want to draw attention to themselves.

I didn’t want to be a burden or seen as a complainer. So I tried to figure it all out myself.

And I failed.

But I was blessed through my failure.

Not everyone is so lucky.

November 19, 2007

I’m not saying any one of us, or all of us, could have saved Krissy from making the decision she did. I honestly didn’t know her personally. Even if I had I’m not sure that even I would have noticed her slipping away.

Her loss has left her family grieving. I can’t imagine the pain all those who loved her are feeling, I can’t even pretend to. My heart and prayers go out to them. I know if her cousin could have just one wish it would be to go back to Saturday and make it all better.

****

Please. If you’re not doing well, speak up. Please. Just because you feel hopeless does not mean you are. And even more importantly, you are not helpless.

God didn’t put billions of people on the planet for us to only take care of ourselves.

It’s our job to take care of each other. In sickness and in health. No matter what.

Comments off.

Beautiful. Perfect. Thank you more than I can ever express. xo

What a heartwrenching and important post – thank you as always for sharing your story. I know it will make a difference – my heart just aches for her family and I know they’ll just blame themselves which shouldn’t be added to anyone’s grieving.

*deep breath*
*standing ovation*
*big hug*
*tears*

Thank you.
Your voice is so strong.

I only wish more people could reach out.

Amazingly powerful post. I’m sorry about Krissy, hope her family finds strength through this.

Even though I haven’t ever thought of taking my life, I think I am pretty depressed right now. MAybe I’ll ask for help too. Thank you.

No matter what.

Thank you for sharing.

Incredible stuff. I love how you write about depression, how open you are about your struggles and how you don’t candy-coat it at all. It’s part of you, like your curly hair (jealous!) and huge grin. You are doing a Very Good Thing with this post.

Also? You made me cry.

I love you for putting yourself out there in hopes that your pain will help others. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to write some of the things you do, but bless you for opening the door for others to find support.

I effin love you, woman.

I have been depressed before and while I never went to the hospital for it….I have struggled with that decision of whether or not to drive my car into oncoming traffic on the highway. I have been on medication and have weaned myself off of it. However, I am going to the doctor on the 26th to get back on. I feel those old feelings coming back and I don’t want to get to where I was all those years ago.
This post was so beautifully written and I hope that it helps someone or many. What a special and meaningful post. Thank you for this.

Thank you for speaking for those who cannot.

It is for this reason that I don’t hide my depression. I try to help people realize that I have a mental illness-and there’s nothing wrong with that.
My heart goes out to her family and friends. So sad

Thank you so much for sharing and for helping take the stigma out of something that can be so hard, so personal.

I have written about depression a few times. It is a topic that is SO CLOSE to my heart. I have been there, depression eating away at my brain, the soul crushing down to the bone exhaustion but unable to sleep. The pain, the agony, the hurt. The TERROR with the thought of reaching out, of letting anyone else know that you are drowning…quickly slipping down the rabbit hole that is mental illness.

But… But… But….
The day you do, the day you admit, the day you reach out is the day that you can begin anew. It is a day that can change everything. If you let the fear slip away, it cannot consume you. If you admit you are screaming from the bottom of a pit, someone can throw you a life line.

These hard, cold, true admissions have saved me (and my daughter) in the past, and I am convinced they will save me again. If you suffer, reach out. There are many out here to catch you.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by mooshinindy, burghbaby, malcolm_rogers, Nizzle73099, mountainmomma and others. mountainmomma said: RT @mooshinindy: I got the words out, all 1,000 of them. -on giving depression a voice- http://bit.ly/4B9VVA please read it, it's so so … [...]

Wow, your words are so powerful. I lost my father to suicide almost 11 years ago. I know how Krissy’s family is feeling right now and it sucks. Today, it still sucks. I wish more than anything my father had felt it was okay to speak up, that I had looked a little deeper for something I didn’t know was there but should have known. Depression sucks. I’m so glad you wrote this. I hope it helps someone who is afraid to ask for help, afraid to admit they need it.

i’ve wanted to blog about my own similar experiences. about the hospitalization, the deep darkness that has enveloped me more than once, the lifelines that reached me just in the nick of time. but i’m chicken. so very chicken. i don’t want to open old wounds for my family and old friends who lived through the hell with me. i don’t want to embarrass my husband whose family knows nothing of my fragile past. i don’t want to scare the crap out of my current friends. i’m just chicken. and ashamed of my chicken fears. especially today. if i could find my voice, maybe it would help someone else. sigh. thank you for saying the things in my heart. maybe one day i’ll be braver.

this post is going to help people. Casey, you help people – don’t ever forget that.

Love you.
~emily

A perfect post, Casey. We could all use a little reaching out. It’s amazing what little can send us over the edge and what little can pull us back to solid ground.

Steph

I can tell you’re back. Great post! I hope it helps at least one person out there.

You are awesome. I love you, Susan

Thank you for your bravery. I have never personally struggled with depression, but know so many people who do and probably many more who do and are too ashamed to admit it. Depression needs a voice. Thanks for being brave enough to lend it yours.

your words will save that *someone* thank you for being able to write these words…thank you for taking that pill everyday.

AMAZING post! Thank you!

Thank you for posting this. It was beautiful.

I agree with Emily. This post WILL help people.

Thank you for your voice.

My heart breaks for Krissy’s family.

Thank you. The first section is exactly what I’ve wanted to say, but could never find the words. I spent some time in “there”, and got the medication. And, like you, I wish my body would just work. Sometimes I think it can, and I give up on the medication. A month later I end up in tears, thinking about going back there, realizing that my body just DOESN’T work, and taking the pills again.

It’s so sad someone so loved couldn’t ask for help. I didn’t know her, but after the tweets and blogs today I wish I had. She’s very lucky she had so many people care for her, and she will be remembered as a wonderful person. I’m very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing this.

Perfect.
You said the words that so many others wish they could. You are honestly helping so many.
So.Many.

Thank you for sharing. Your openness helps so so many!

That is heartbreaking. Thank you for having the courage to step up and say that it’s okay to reach out.

Social comments and analytics for this post…

This post was mentioned on Twitter by malcolm_rogers: RT @mooshinindy: I got the words out, all 1000 -on giving depression a voice- http://bit.ly/4B9VVA please read it, it’s so important to me….

I have very few words but so many emotions for this post. Your candidness is deeply appreciated.

bravo and thanks. and a hug.
i battle with the crazy every day, but in no way do make it known that i have an official diagnosis, see a therapist or medicate myself IRL. the stigma around mental illness being about *choice* is still so prevalent. Thanks from people like me who do a great job of hiding the real truth; we all lose perspective and this was a great reminder. Timely as well; January & February can be a bitch to get through. Hope you are well and enjoying the official season of home organization/reno/deco: winter!

Wow. Great post. Very glad to read this, and glad that you’ve got enough of an audience to get it noticed.
I’m *mostly* pretty happy go lucky nowadays, but I’ve been through depressions and meds before.
Get Help. Reach out. Great message.

If I try to write my true feelings on this post, a whole page will spill out. My “almost committed myself” days are too recent for comfort.

Thank you for being that voice so many need (including me). Thank you for sticking around and for coming back.

Back in the summer, I wrote about my depression for the first time. I wrote about going back on meds and how silly I was to deny I needed to go back on them because I didn’t want to have to rely on a pill to make me “normal”.

I got a lot of comments from people just like me, feeling the same things about medicine and depression. The stigma is so ridiculous.

So thank you for writing this. Even is this post helps one person, it could be the one person that needed it the most.

This is great stuff. I struggle with taking those pills too, and telling myself that it’s okay to need them. Why is that so hard?

I remember meeting a friend who suffers an imbalance who had just broken up with a boy friend. She was curled up in the fetal position shaking, lips chapped, eyes caked over…a mess. She to had tried unsuccessfully to take her life. I believe it is her dog that keeps her from trying again.

Unfortunately she has never acknowledged the problem and remains un-medicated (to my knowledge).

It has led to loss of all of her most meaningful relationships including the one she had with me.

I’m sincerely glad you took the route of acknowledging the issue and seeking help. People do care and are willing to help without judging.

Thanks for writing this post and I hope it helps someone out there.

truer words were never spoken.

A-freaking-men.

Thank you and thank you some more.

Casey, this is both beautiful and haunting. I wrote yesterday about the two times I nearly took my life (in 2 very different ways) and was saved by my support systems.

Thank you for writing about this, for speaking out, for reminding us that it’s not taboo. That it’s okay to not be perfect.

such an important post.
xoxoxo

Thanks…..I am on medication but I too feel I shouldn’t be to be normal…..it really frustrates me to have to take it….but once I stop the dread, sadness comes back…
I thought I was the only one who felt this way…..just need to convince myself to keep taking medication everyday…
Thanks for your story…

Oh man, Casey. Are you in my head? I take meds for my depression (mild) and anxiety (huge). I refuse to believe that I will have to take the damn things for life and attempt to wean myself off of them from time to time. I don’t know why I can’t be complacent and just take them because they work. I want to be “right” on my own. Never mind the panic attacks, hypochondria, paralyzing negative thoughts and borderline agoraphobia. I’m off the meds!!!!

I told my husband if I wan’t able to stave this round of panic off, I’d go back on my meds. There’s no shame. I just want to be “normal”.

THanks for the post. I’m sorry about your friend. (

Jamie Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:40 pm

@Jamie,
THat was supposed to be a frown, not a smilie.

Thank you for putting this to words. I hope it helps many.

THANK YOU. I recently wrote about my own struggles about going to a psychiatrist to talk about going back on medication. I am now back on my medication, and so happy about it. Still, it helps to be reminded that it’s okay.

WOW is all I can say as I wipe away my tears. What an empowering post – from your comments I see you’ve already touched so many hearts & I’m sure you’ll touch others!

Thank you for putting to words what so many of us want to and can’t.
xoxo

I have fought depression for more than half my life. More than once I have wished it would just win. Then I read something like this and am so glad it didn’t.

I wish I didn’t know what Krissy’s family is going through right now. My uncle committed suicide over 20 years ago and it still hurts.

My heart goes out to her family, to yours and to families of those with mental illness.

I have also had my moments with depression. I am always scared that it will not stay away …

Thank you for sharing your story with us

Thanks Casey. You are one amazing young woman.

I have ‘those days’ too. Ick.

Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so important for someone with depression to know that she isn’t alone and that help is available.

Your beautiful way with words is going to help people. I admire the heck out of you.

Thank you for giving depression a voice and saying that it is okay to take a pill. I also take a pill daily. It helps me to keep anxiety under control. I am truly sorry for your friend. I imagine this is probably very hard on you as well, please take care of yourself as well.

Did you happen to watch This Emotional Life that aired on PBS last week? Their story on depression was spectacular–and is a MUST for anyone who thinks depression is made up, or just someone being lazy. We can see inside our brains and watch the hippocampus shrinks, and how those little pills build new brain cells.

Our brains are wired differently. And we live with it, knowing that any buffet from life could toss us back into the whirlpool. If it takes all of us admitting to suffering from depression to help just one more, so be it.

When I was diagnosed Bipolar almost four years ago, I remember so incredibly clearly my very educated (Masters in Education) mother-in-law asking me why I couldn’t “Just think good thoughts” instead of taking meds. I’m still baffled at her logic… unicorns and thoughts of Johnny Depp naked aren’t going to stop the explosive mood swings, get me to get dressed and leave the house, and they certainly can’t stop the overwhelming thought that everything would be ok if it was just over. No more loud and scary thoughts. No more crying. No more medication. Just welcoming quiet.
So while this is no way is a slight on healing powers of oh so hot Jonny Depp; it is a sobering reminder that even those who you anticipated would be more understanding, can’t understand why a Good Thought can’t cure mental illness.
P.S. My MIL is a *lovely* woman; very kind and willing to help in any way she can fight a disease she doesn’t understand.

You are so brave. Thanks for sharing these very personal struggles with us. I have been so close to where you were. I cried the whole way. I screamed. I stopped myself from crashing with thoughts of my two children. I was shaking as I walked through the first set of doors. I sat in the waiting area trying to compose myself. I walked up to the doors to be buzzed in. But then I walked away. I sat in the car for a long time and then I drove to the home of someone who was able to just let me talk and cry. I hadn’t reached out to her earlier but that day she saved me.

God bless.

Very powerful post, Casey. Probably more powerful than prescription strength deodorant.

Poor Krissy.

My brother is now on disability for clinical depression. He’s been spending a few weeks living with us every couple of months for company. It’s a debilitating disease.

Thanks for doing your part to educate people about it.

Thank you for that. I am so impressed by you. I am in the mist of trying to reach out to a friend I am worried about right now. She is pregnant and we spoke yesterday. We were interrupted. I am going to call her again today.

I meant midst… whoops-my spelling depresses me.

This is so sad. I just looked at Karissa’s About page and saw she was from Indy – I had no idea.

AMEN x infinity to asking for help. I need to remind myself, sometimes every minute.

*hugs*

What a beautiful post, heart breaking but honest. My sister has been to that place in the hospital. I went to visit her and it was sad. She seems to be doing well now, but how do I really know?? I am glad that you met Dr. Wink and that she gave you hope. I hope that you are doing well!

Casey-

I’ve been there. I too try to do without the meds occasionally and it always ends in a mess. {hugs} You are in my prayers.

Read this book : The Unquiet Dead: A Psychologist Treats Spirit Possession, Edith Fiore

(and other books she wrote)

Self Treatment is easy and can cure part or the totality of the problem.

Thank you.
You help me.

You are so, so right. SO right. Thank you.

“If they don’t respond chances are it’s not because they are a jerk. It’s probably because they’re suffocating.”

Exactly. EXACTLY.

xoxo

I’m not sure if I’ve ever thanked you before, but thank you. It is so relieving to know that others are suffering and you’re not alone. Too often we’re more afraid of what others will think of us than what will happen to us if we don’t get the help we need. Thank you for being a voice for those of us in need.

You’re so beautiful, and so right, and so needed in this world and in this place. I am grateful you are here, and that you speak. I know I’m not the only one, but I needed to say it.
Thank you so much.

That this can happen makes me so sad.

Casey, if you ever need to talk, 708-699-6579. If you ever need a hand held or a cup of hot chocolate, I’m 3.5 hours away. Just call.

I don’t have much experience with depression or mental illness- either in myself or close friends/family. But it sounds absolutely heart-wrenching and I admire you for being so open & honest about it.

Thank you for this post and your others on this terrible topic. I wish so many people didn’t have to know what this feels like. I wish those who don’t know what it feels like could understand. It is terrible that there are so many common stories, so many “I could have written this,” yet not enough happy endings. I have trouble adapting to the attention my posts on depression get because while yearn for the support, I’m still terrified of the stigma. It’s so sad that so many people have to feel this way yet the stigma is still so awful.
Thank you for your courage.

I’m just sending some long distance virtual hugs because I read your post and while I may not have the right words to reply it left me wanting to give you a hug. You are so brave to share these hard topics.

I applaud you for talking about what so many people don’t. There are times I feel like you could be my twin because you put a voice to what I am feeling. Because of you I have written about my own battle with depression. Unfortunately, it’s been called a cop-out by some. But people like you give voice to a real problem. Thank you for your courage.

So. Much. Word.

Beautifully written.

The world is a better place for having your strong voice in it.

Well spoken, love.

“There is nothing wrong with taking a pill to get me through the involuntary chemical imbalances in my own head.”

yes.
it took me a really long time to believe this statement. but it’s true. it’s 100% true. I wish more people would believe it.

I take a couple of pills every day. I have a great life, and regulating my brain chemistry helps me see that clearly. It saves me.

Beautifully written. Thanks for you candor and honesty.

This makes me wonder about all the people I’ve tried to show support to before. Have they been near the edge? Did I just make a difference in some small way in their lives, even though it’s never acknowledged? It always seems to me that people slip away and we never know there was ever a problem until it’s too late.

I vow to continue supporting others, regardless of whether or not I ever hear a “Thank You”. Just being alive supporting other people continuing to be alive is thanks enough for me. Great post, Casey.

This is important and I’m glad you wrote it.

If you help even just 1 person, Casey, you will have done your job! You are an amazing person and your voice is being heard. Thanks for sharing your heart ache and your truths with the rest of us! ((hugs)) XOXOX

You are amazing.

Thank you so much for writing this. After I finally got sober and finally understood what was *really* wrong with me. I was medicating myself with alcohol to stop the panic, to stop the sorrow, to stop…well…life.

I just wanted to write and say that PLEASE don’t stop trying if one medicine doesn’t work for you. It’s a process sometimes to get the right meds and sometimes it takes a combination of meds to finally make your brain work correctly.

I’m glad that you spoke out – it’s really important.

I know I need help but I am afraid of admitting it.

Adding my voice to the masses who are so glad you wrote this, and so glad you were able to get the help you needed when you needed it.

I feel like more people need to shout from the rooftops that hey, somethings life, it’s just HARD and you know what? That’s OK. In so many ways we really are in this together.

Hugs.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Brad Rourke, Vic. Vic said: GO READ: moosh in indy. » on giving depression a voice. http://bit.ly/8rFD8c [...]

It’s good that people are talking about this more and more. So many people do not understand and it’s time to restore the dignity to those who live with it. Each time someone like you can put out such an eloquent message, it’s helping — those who need support and those who need to stop talking trash. Thanks…And prayers to your friend and her family.

Wow! You write so heartfelt. I am so sorry for Krissy’s family and close friends. I am so grateful yours haven’t felt the great loss they would with out you around. You are amazing. Thanks for making depression a real and personal understanding. I love your guts!

I think you are so brave. Not only for writing this, but for admitting when you need help and actually getting it. I’ve been so depressed since the Chipmunk was born, almost twenty months ago and I still can’t bring myself to get help.

You are a truly amazing person. And my heart goes out to you. I only wish I could know you and hug you in reality. I finally got help. I hate taking my pill. I hate knowing that I’m not “normal”. And even though I still sometimes want to walk into traffic, I know I’m better than I was.

Thank you for sharing, it’s inspiring that you can share something that is so difficult and so misunderstood. Like any of the countless people who experience the crushing weight of depression wish for it or do it to themselves. But there’s this stigma.

Ugh, I could write a novel about my battle with depression. I just want it to be over already but it always comes sneaking back into my life. I decided to seek counseling again, the first time didn’t work out very well for me. But I have to try, anything is better than every day being torture.

I think that taking care of each other is what life is all about.

Thank you for posting and sharing this part of yourself. It’s so important for people to know they’re not alone.

This particularly connected with me:

“I hate taking it, I have even tried to go without. I hate that my body can’t just “work.””

I have felt that way both about my depression/anxiety and about the thyroid problems & PCOS that make it so hard for me to lose weight. Sometimes, it’s so hard to accept that it just doesn’t WORK.

Luckily, there are pills for that. And no matter how annoying and inconvenient they are, I will keep taking them because they help me be who I am.

(Hugs)

I am only a plane rid away. I will be there anytime for you. And even though I’m here in The Canadas, you KNOW I am at your side.

I am so sorry Casey. I love you and I wish more than anything I could do SOMETHING to lessen the pain.

XOXOXOXOOXOX

I wish more people understood that mental illness isn’t a choice. I also wish that this post didn’t speak to me so, in fact, it doesn’t speak, it screams. But I need that screaming in my ear this week, its been bad.

My best friends 16 yr old son tried to kill himself this weekend. He OD’d and we’ve spent the last week wondering if he was going to pull out of it. Luckily, he has survived and has a long road to recovery still. Depression is a horrible thing. I wish there was a magic cure.

You are so open and candid about your mental health illness. It is refreshing to have someone be so honest about what I have always hidden. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. The stigma attached to that alone is overwhelming. “What do you have to be depressed about?” my husband asks. It’s not a choice I make. I hate the round of daily medications I must take, but know if I don’t, I will be sick. It’s still a daily struggle. It’s hard to hear, “oh, you must be off your meds again” when I get upset with my husband. He does not fully understand the illness and is a little close minded to it. It’s incredible that you have the support system that you do, Moosh! Keep writing and inspiring.

Casey? You are awesome. That is all.

Thank you. I made an appointment last week…tomorrow. I’ve been so stressed/depressed lately. Last night, both babies (19mo, 4mo) were crying…All I could do was sit in front of the fridge and cry too. I know medication is not magical or meant to make my life perfect. I’m just hoping for something to take the edge off. Thank you for being so open. Your blog has helped me realize that I do need help, that crying each time the kids cry isn’t normal. Thank you.

Wow, thank you for sharing that. I’ve been there as well, and although I KNOW other people have gone through similar depressing circumstances, it’s always encouraging to read that someone else has as well. The whole “you’re not the only one who suffers” adage.

Hey moosh, linked over here from Must Love Tots to show my support!

Thank you for being willing to speak out about depression and mental illness when so many others are so hesitant to.

I. Love. You

i think she did reach out. In her way, we saw it, but we didnt. Its only looking back that we see it. Its easy to notice a friend is having a bad day, or they seem distant, or they mention some griefs…its harder to put it all together and sometimes i feel like I failed. I just got an email from her the thursday before she died. The email was out of place. She was always happy, helping. It did strike me as odd. But i didnt say anything. I assumed it was personal and didnt pry. I dont like to pry. Now ill never get a chance to pry and i feel like a jerk. I know its not my fault, no ones fault. I know it was her peace. But that doesnt take away that at that moment I should have picked up the phone, anything, anything but saying I hope everythings ok…instead of pushing to make sure. I hope to never make that mistake again. She will never be forgotten.

trisha

I could write an epilogue about this. Such intense emotions felt go my core as visual thoughts of myself standing at the window being checked in, in the middle of the night. Having everything taken away from me and realizing that there were children there as well as others under a more secure watchful eye made me realize a lot of things. I left there and was referred to DBT therapy, the best 13 months of my life. I’m not perfect,I haven’t been healed but to learn that I don’t have control over my emotions but I can learn to react slower physically to my urges was and has been SO empowering. I still have irrational thoughts, emotional bouts but I can stop one step before burning the house down by thinking of the outcome. It has taken over 2 yrs of weekly therapy, once a week group for 13 months , a freaking amazing therapist and FINALLY the right ****tail of meds. Being emotionally passionate as well as having, leaky hoses can cause quite the combustion. We change the oil in our cars, replace appliances when they break, why not fix a leaky gasket so to speak. Heavenly Father did not place gifted people on this earth with the ability to create medications for no reason. It isn’t the cure all for sure, but at least for me it makes it so that I’m not trying to process everything at once which makes everything bigger then it really is.
Thank you for being so brave to share, maybe someday I will more openly as well since my family doesn’t know about my atempt. If you can be so brave and help someone out there, that’s what its all about is that our experiences aren’t in vain.
Thank you a million times over. You said it so eloquently for such a silenced topic which shouldn’t be. It’s the silent killer.

Thank you for being so open about what you’ve gone through. If more people talked about it, maybe less people would feel they are alone, broken, and hopeless. After my husband died two weeks after our daughter was born, I resisted going to see anyone to talk about any of it. I’m so glad I did, though.

Nice post. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I sometimes think I was born depressed and there is no other state to be in. Have not taken steps to get better like you. Perhaps someday.

I see a lot of what I have felt before in this post…would you mind commenting on my post about life? I’d love your opinion. TY

Yes. And you never know how much a few words or a smile can mean to someone when they are in a bad place. If you feel any inkling to reach out to someone; do. God works through all of us. I needed to read this tonight. Thank you, Casey.

yes.

Thank You. I was at the place, where you just don’t believe that somebody cares or can help. I reread you posts about depression and I do believe, that you care. It helps.

Thank you for this post Casey. I suffer from generalized anxiety, OCD and depression. Winter is very bad. I need to be with people all the time if I want to feel semi normal, which is hard because I live by myself. I’m nowhere near feeling suicidal but I am hurting. I believe this post will save some lives. Thank you.

Thanks for this post. thanks for helping us understand. i’m a (new) family member and it’s been hard. thank you.

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