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belated gratitude.
January 5, 2010

“…having gone through crazy postpartum depression and anxiety I can’t tell you how nice it is to know that there are people like you- good people who can be honest about how mental illness is real and isn’t our fault. Sometimes, even though you know you’re just fighting your own brain, it hurts like hell and you don’t know if you can go on the way you have been.”

I went back through the other night and responded to emails people had sent me over the last few months, thanking me for something I had written, for being honest about the ugly nuggets in certain areas of my life. Some were over four months old. But I needed to thank you for them and apologize for having my head so far up my butt I could have performed some major personal surgery.

“I just thought it would be ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, FREAKIN IMPORTANT to tell you…. That I am probably one of a gazillion people whose life you’ve made a smidgen better because you’re in it.  You are one of very few people that have the ability to teach others to just be themselves. And that is a very rare trait to have. The several of us that are better because of you… we thank you.”

While I did read them when I received them, I didn’t necessarily comprehend them.

“I’ve been an avid reader for quite some time but don’t comment very often. I read your post “being your mom with depression” and cried with relief that there was someone else out there who goes through what I do.”

Anyone who’s dealt with depression or any kind of crazy knows that it feels as though it will never end, and people telling you “this too shall pass” or “get over it” kind of make you want to shove things up their bums as well.

“Maybe it’s not much, maybe it’s not enough…but your words got me brave enough to say it, at least here. Thank you Casey for being you and for making me laugh and cry and smile and for teaching me things I didn’t know about turkeys and faith and most of all for sharing “the faking” on a day I was thinking of how well I’m “faking” my life. Thank you for letting me know that maybe I’m not totally alone.”

I guess what I wanted to say is that when you get that feeling to write somebody something heartfelt or out of genuine concern, just do it. If they don’t respond chances are it’s not because they are a jerk. It’s probably because they’re suffocating. And when they can breathe again? I hope they’ll give you the thanks you deserve. I for one feel I can never repay those who have taken time out of their lives to thank me for doing what comes so naturally to me.

“I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, and I love your candid, unapologetic posts. The way you’ve written about your mental health has really had an impact on me. I’m bipolar, and only a few people in my life know…Thank you for writing the way you do about this topic. It really helps to know that I’m not alone in this, and I wanted you to know that you aren’t either. Reading your blog helps. Thank you.”

I hope one day I can give you all the thanks you deserve. I’d have you all over to my house for milk and cookies if I could.

“Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your heart with us. I am certain that those of us who have journied through the dark days of infertility/depression and those currently walking the road, are encouraged to know someone else shares their unspoken feelings/thoughts/emotions.”

If you met me for the first time over the last 6 months? That wasn’t me. Can we get a do over please? For those of you who stuck it out with me? Thank you. Thank you a million times over. You are the stainless steel in my kitchen of life.

xoxo

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Comments off.

By Burgh Baby on 01.05.10 4:31 pm | Permalink

You? Are pretty damn amazing. True story.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:28 pm

@Burgh Baby, Right back at’cha. NOW COME VISIT ME.

Burgh Baby Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:31 pm

@Casey, I TRIED. You didn’t tell me where to meet you so I had to suffer through several hours of Castleton shopping instead. TRUE STORY.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:37 pm

@Burgh Baby, BAH. I get you and that damn Jayesel confused all the darn time.
COME BACK.

Burgh Baby Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:39 pm

@Casey, That’s understandable. We’re both insanely hot, incredibly intelligent, and our kids are amazing.

I’ll be back in the summer. Don’t you dare blow me off this time. ;-)

By Whit on 01.05.10 4:33 pm | Permalink

You are amazing. I can’t relate on the whole postpartum thing, but depression, oh my! I read your blog because you are real and cool and funny…because you are relatable on the depression front is a huge bonus.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:28 pm

@Whit, Ah, depression as a huge bonus, tell that to my insurance please. ;)

Whit Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:49 pm

@Casey, ha, I’d like to tell my dad’s insurance as well.

By Heather on 01.05.10 4:33 pm | Permalink

I enjoyed meeting you this summer at Blog Indiana. If that wasn’t you, I’m ready for a do-over whenever you are!

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:11 pm

@Heather, I’m always myself around goblins. (GenCon, not you.)

Heather Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:29 pm

@Casey, Still, I’m all about Round 2. See you at Blissdom?

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:37 pm

@Heather, Yes ma’am! My session on Thursday will be on this topic right here, honesty.

By Stefanie on 01.05.10 4:36 pm | Permalink

You have such an incredible way of finding words where most people fall silent. So beautiful, so eloquent, so amazing.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:29 pm

@Stefanie, That’s the sweetest way anyone has ever said “YOU OVERSHARE” to me. :)

By Elizabeth Kaylene on 01.05.10 4:39 pm | Permalink

I love you for being you and for being so honest. I find it so hard most of the time to be honest about how I’m feeling. You truly are an inspiration and I hope that we meet someday.

I’m glad that you are feeling better. *hugs*

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:29 pm

@Elizabeth Kaylene, Repeat after me “I feel happy.” or “I feel crappy.” use either when the situation is appropriate.
You’re welcome.

Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 2:10 pm

@Casey, You’re right, it is pretty simple. I just have a hard time looking someone in the eye and putting the feelings into words. It’s easier to blog about it than it is to actually say it out loud, for some reason.

By Kari on 01.05.10 4:43 pm | Permalink

I think you are too hard on yourself! You still managed to make me laugh quite often in the past 6 months! Keep writing and sharing…I enjoy reading (I rarely comment because I usually read blogs at work while I wait for something to spit out of the computer…and writing comments means I have to think!).
Hope 2010 is an amazing year for you and your family!

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:32 pm

@Kari, If you’re computer is spitting you have more important things to be worrying about than commenting!

By Kristin on 01.05.10 4:49 pm | Permalink

I hope 2010 brings you health, happiness and love Casey!

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:32 pm

@Kristin, And a 28″ waist!!!

By Kristabella on 01.05.10 4:50 pm | Permalink

Well, I met you in July and I thought you were awesome. So if that wasn’t totally you, then hot damn! I can’t wait to hang out with the “real” you!

As someone who suffers from depression, I get it. I so get it!

xoxo

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:33 pm

@Kristabella, Ah, see everytime you saw me I had food or a computer in front of me. Heh.

By designHer Momma on 01.05.10 4:53 pm | Permalink

I couldn’t quit you if I tried.

I’m so glad that you’re starting to love yourself again.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:33 pm

@designHer Momma, So you’re saying I’m the Diet Coke to your uh, well. Like Diet Coke?

By ToKissTheCook on 01.05.10 4:56 pm | Permalink

Honesty helps people. Your like the walking proof with bouffanted hair and MAC lipgloss. Booking my Nashville ticket tonight- see you in a few weeks?

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:13 pm

@ToKissTheCook, Yes! WHEE! And it was Lorac lipstick if we’re going to be particular. kiss kiss.

By Angi on 01.05.10 5:04 pm | Permalink

You are a beautiful, talented writer…with a heart of gold. I’m glad that you’ve surfaced enough to be able to really understand that what you do here matters, to a lot of people.

((hugs))

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:34 pm

@Angi, Gold is worth a lot these days, think I could trade it in for a sterling silver one and use the rest of the money to pay off my house?

By Suzy Voices on 01.05.10 5:18 pm | Permalink

Man, I’ve missed a lot since I’ve been working so hard instead of reading blogs. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through such rough times. but SO happy to read that you’re getting better!!! XOXOXOXOXO

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:35 pm

@Suzy Voices, You missed all the ugly! That’s good! Hurrah! Life sucked, I cried a lot. And now I’m getting better.

By Miss Grace on 01.05.10 5:41 pm | Permalink

I’m glad you feel yourself coming through again. I missed you when you were all fogged up, but I still adored you.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:45 pm

@Miss Grace, Oh I wanted so badly to lick you all over, but bah.
But I’m in prime licking form now baybeee.

Miss Grace Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:47 pm

@Casey, Careful I’ll hold you to that! NY?

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:51 pm

@Miss Grace, Be sure to exfoliate and wax. I don’t want Miss Grace hairballs.

Miss Grace Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:52 pm

@Casey, I maintain impeccable grooming.

By rachel-asouthernfairytale on 01.05.10 5:59 pm | Permalink

You’re pretty amazing chickie.

However, I’m not a big stainless fan. Can I be granite? or Marble?

xoxo

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:46 pm

@rachel-asouthernfairytale, Ooh how about that fancy uh, quartz stuff, what’s it called? CAMBRIA! Yes. You’re my Cambria.

By Jenny on 01.05.10 8:03 pm | Permalink

You really are amazing to share your personal battles with depression and infertility. I have several people close to me who deal with depression and infertility, but they don’t lay it on the line like you do, it is refreshing. It helps me to see where they are coming from…put myself in their shoes.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:47 pm

@Jenny, Are they at least cute shoes? If I don’t get babies at least I get cute shoes.

By Karen Sugarpants on 01.05.10 8:14 pm | Permalink

xoxoxo

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:47 pm

@Karen Sugarpants, xoxoxoxoxo AND WOWNIES.

By Jen L. on 01.05.10 8:39 pm | Permalink

Oh, sweet Casey. Thank you for putting it out there. You’ve helped me and my dear friend Meredith so much. I can’t wait to meet you and give you a big, long hug. (But if it gets so long it’s uncomfortable and sorta creepy, tell me, k? K. I don’t wanna be THAT person.)

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:49 pm

@Jen L., Not sure I’ve ever had a creepy female hug. WANNA BE THE FIRST?
(P.S. When do I get to meet you?)

Jen L. Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 9:19 am

@Casey, @Casey YES! I’m first! Do not let ANY OTHER female hug you for a creepy long time before BlogHer10, ok? I’ll see you there!

By Brittany on 01.05.10 8:49 pm | Permalink

you are amazing. I love you.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:49 pm

@Brittany, ditto. word. amen.

By SciFi Dad on 01.05.10 10:58 pm | Permalink

I was a ****ty commenter during that time, not because I wasn’t reading (I totally was) but rather because I didn’t know what to say.

However, I admire your candor, both then and now.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:50 pm

@SciFi Dad, Heh. Cody didn’t either and he lives in the same darn house as me.

By Angie on 01.05.10 11:22 pm | Permalink

I don’t mind recycling one of my first comments…
I HearT Casey.

Casey Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:50 pm

@Angie, <3 <3 <3

By Adventures In Babywearing on 01.06.10 12:08 am | Permalink

You are a good egg. I don’t really like eggs, tho, so how about you are a good cupcake. And I think so many of us would jump at the chance for a do-over of the last six months to a year… I know I would.

We’re in it for the long haul, baby

Steph

Casey Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:50 pm

@Adventures In Babywearing, Eggs are required for most cupcakes. So in a roundabout way it totally works. So excited for Blissdom.

By Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy on 01.06.10 12:35 am | Permalink

Sweet Casey. You are good people. Your honesty and candor are refreshing and appreciated. You’re not preachy. You don’t judge. I laugh, cry and get inspired when I come here. You’re a blogging trifecta! Save a hug for me at Blissdom?

Casey Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:51 pm

@Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy, YAY! You’re going to be there! HURRAH! Hugs saved. One of the really good ones where I stand on my tiptoes.

By Angella on 01.06.10 1:09 am | Permalink

Beautiful, Casey. As are you.

Casey Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:51 pm

@Angella, I’m rubber you’re glue what you say to me bounces off me and sticks right back to you.
(You know what I mean.)

By Kim on 01.06.10 8:38 am | Permalink

I think you’re phenomenal. I’m not yet married and not yet a mom, but I seriously believe what you write will help me be better at both when I get there.

(And I haven’t gotten to meet you for the first time, but I want to!)

Casey Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

@Kim, I’ll share my medication too, then you’ll have ALL my secrets.

By Maggie, dammit on 01.06.10 10:54 am | Permalink

Very cool, Casey. Very cool. Much love to you. xo

Casey Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

@Maggie, dammit, Right back at you sugar pea.

By lceel on 01.06.10 1:01 pm | Permalink

I imagine there’s got to be someplace in Indy that has good hot chocolate and cookies. Next time I’m in Indy, I’ll let you know. ‘Cause I think you’re pretty cool, too. I’d buy you a beer anytime – but you seem to lean toward milk and cookies.

Casey Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:53 pm

@lceel, I know a swell joint for milk and cupcakes. And ooh! I know an even more swell place for cookies! MY HOUSE! (BYOB though, fresh out of that stuff unless you’re hip to the root variety.)

By Must Be Motherhood on 01.06.10 3:29 pm | Permalink

And when is Blissdom this year? Perhaps I shall join just to get a little more face-to-face Casey time. Because I think I like you no matter where you fall on the depression scale.

Casey Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 5:08 pm

@Must Be Motherhood, OOH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY COME!!!
It’s the first weekend in February.
COME COME COME!

By BOSSY on 01.06.10 6:45 pm | Permalink

Can Bossy come for milk and cookies? You know, just for the fun of it?

Casey Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 12:50 am

@BOSSY, Of course! You can even bring your own wine, and judge the paint job on my walls.

By Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy on 01.07.10 1:32 am | Permalink

I see you’re speaking at Blissdom. I’m not registered for the conference and most likely won’t because I’m frugal as a motha*. BUT, I think I’m going to try to come to Nashville that weekend. We must meet. :) (I did not intend for that to sound creepy, if it does.)

Casey Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 12:51 am

@Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy, You come. We eat food. The universe smiles. (Uh, the workshop I’m speaking at is only $40…)

By Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire on 01.07.10 3:28 am | Permalink

I don’t know what to say, so I will just give you a big ol’ kiss instead

*MWAH*

If I don’t raid Indy beforehand I will see you in a month in Nash-Vegas where we will be dancing on bars and copious amounts of Diet Coke will be consumed and possibly twinkies.

Casey Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 12:52 am

@Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire, That reminds me of the great Blissdom Diet Coke run of 2009.
6 jumbo Diet Cokes. Two hands.

By Avitable on 01.07.10 11:01 am | Permalink

It’s nice to see the Casey of old come back, but the Casey of the last six months was just as awesome and special.

Casey Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 12:52 am

@Avitable, “special”

By sam {temptingmama} on 01.07.10 1:53 pm | Permalink

I love you more than I can say. I will always be here. Always.

xox

Casey Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 12:53 am

@sam {temptingmama}, Oh Canada. So far away.
I need a darn passport.

By Nenette on 01.07.10 6:37 pm | Permalink

You are so lovely, both inside and out. I just had to say.

This is my first ever comment — I usually just pop in to read — but can I come for milk and cookies anyway? :)

Casey Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 12:55 am

@Nenette, Of course! Cookie invites are always open. Unless you say something about a diet, then I’ll shove Creme Brulee down your throat and make you cry uncle.

By Suebob on 01.08.10 2:02 am | Permalink

You are so golden and it kills me that half the time you don’t even know it.

By Katherine Stone on 01.12.10 10:36 am | Permalink

This is why I sent you an email asking if you’d participate in the 2010 (online) Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health. Haven’t heard back. Begging. Please? Pweeze? Fleas?

By moosh in indy. » on giving depression a voice. on 01.12.10 9:39 pm | Permalink

[...] January 5, 2010 [...]

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