moosh in indy.

July 13, 2009

The day is coming that I will hurt you. Or offend you.

Consider this your warning as I am just now beginning to acknowledge that this is my curse/gift.

I hurt people unintentionally. A lot. When I think I’m being funny, or ironic, or helpful it turns out that I’m only causing another person grief and heartache. I’d like to say it’s only happened once. But it’s happend a lot. Everytime I learn. But I wish I could have learned enough the first time to keep it from happening ever again.

But alas every person is different.

Therefore falling on my face each time is a wretchedly new experience.

And no matter how things are resolved I always feel as though I have this poorly patched crack that everyone is watching, waiting for it to fall apart again.

There was a time I was spiteful, vengeful and just plain mean. I hurt people and I hurt them on purpose, I didn’t care.

(I call this era B.C., or “before Cody”)

But P.C. (post Cody) I’m a little more human. And have become more and more so as the years have gone by. I have sought out those who I was nasty to in my B.C. life and offered apologies. People I hurt deserved them and I knew that I needed to come clean to be able to start anew.

And yet here I am. Still hurting people when I don’t mean to.

I have been very ugly in the past year about pregnancy. It has been brought to my attention multiple times. And everytime I feel horrible. But to everyone I hurt? It’s my own thing. It’s nothing against you. And I’m sorry that I lashed out at you the way I did.

I’m on a very confusing road and somedays are worse than others. I’m sorry if I cross paths with you on those bad days. But I promise. It’s me. Not you. And I am getting better.

In May I wrote a fairly ugly post about infertility. One of the uglier ones I’ve written. But it got all of that ugliness out of me and put it out there on display. And I’ve felt much better since. It hurts when people say “I’m pregnant, but I was afraid to tell you.” I don’t even know why that hurts. But it does. My own personal battles aren’t going to leave me any less happy for you. I want you to enjoy your pregnancy. I want to know about your heartburn and vomit. Really.

What hurts more is when I find out through the grapevine. It is obvious that I am having severe problems conceiving. People around me know that. In many situations I feel like the big giant infertile elephant in a room full of fluffy humpy bunnies. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it when someone admits to me that they are pregnant, before the word hits the street. Call me selfish. But it helps a lot to be able to have that private moment with someone, to see how excited they are. To be excited with them. I’ve kept many secrets of pregnancies around me.

But when a new pregnancy is being discussed and the conversation shuts down as soon as I walk by? I feel as though my freak flag is flying. I’m not dumb. I know what you’re talking about.

To those of you who may have friends struggling with infertility that find themselves pregnant? Tell them. In person. On the phone. However you communicate the most naturally. Have them at the top of your list of people to tell. We can keep secrets. We want so desperately to be happy for you but it’s hard when we’re the last ones to know because you didn’t want to upset us.

When we take our kids to see fireworks we warn them that it is going to get loud so when the big booms do come, they don’t come as a surprise.

A lot of times we don’t tell our kids something before going into it for fear that we will scare them before anything even happens. Generally you don’t go to a mall walk your kid straight up to Santa and plunk them down in his lap. You warm them up to the idea. Let them get used to it.

This is longer than I wanted it to be. And I got off topic. Sorry.

I’m imperfect.

And I hate myself for that sometimes.

I hate that I can hurt other people so badly without meaning to.

I hate that I even have the capacity to hurt someone.

Especially those that mean the most to me.

I see pregnant people.

Comments off.

*sigh* Again, I *get* this more than you could know.

Hugs to you…

I think we’ve all said and done mean things. And a lot of times it is to protect ourselves.
You’re brave to put it out there like this.
(((hugs)))

You know that you are doing a wonderful job for many women out there who are at their wits end that will stumble across your pretty blog and identify with everything you say?

It’s frustrating. Hang in there. I really believe that each one of us has a plan laid out for us. Is that childish of me?

Hey.

You can fall with me chicklet. I’ll always be here to pick you up and dust you off.

I love you

Because you’ve never been anything but sweet as pie to me, I’m skipping the point of your post entirely and commenting on your digression.

When I became pregnant each time, I always told my close friends struggling with infertility first. At that point all grapevines were slashed and burned and they could choose to jump up and down with excitement or hang up the phone for the next three months. I’ve had friends choose both. But at least I gave them a choice. I think that’s the way to go…

I like to think falling on our faces, and learning how that feels, and how to get back up afterward, is what this life is all about. It makes all the times we don’t fall on our faces that much more awesome.

Completely understand where you’re coming from. I also think that the ones closest to you WILL tell you — and by “you” I mean “me”. Those that don’t, I usually put them on the outer rim of my inner circle. Not surprisingly, my inner circle has gotten much much smaller in the past few years.

Anyway, I think you are a brave person to be so upfront with the IF info. I wish I had an outlet like you do and that I was brave enough to do what you do.

Hugs.

“In many situations I feel like the big giant infertile elephant in a room fully of fluffy humpy bunnies.”

I SO get this. Especially the “big giant” part. I’m feeling big and giant lately. Thanks, injections! Anyway, I agree with all of it, really, and wish I could wear disclaimers like this as a sandwich board around my neck everywhere I go. It would make this otherwise difficult journey much, much easier.

I had two miscarriages in between my kids, and for a while there we weren’t sure we’d ever have a second (we did). Some were reluctant to share w/ me their pregnancies. For me, the worst part about that was the PITY.

I’m strong enough to deal with what is thrown at me…but the pity. Oy. That crushes me.

You’re beautiful, Casey. Inside and out. I would say “just the way you are” but I think it’s highly noble and more socially responsible than most people would ever be that your recognize something that you do that hurts other people and WANT to CHANGE and LEARN from each experience. Most people just aren’t that aware or caring.

I think that the people who truly understand your situation understand that your feelings are VALID. You are allowed to have dark days and be sore over not being pregnant *rightatthismoment*. Those feelings are healthy and normal, expressing them is very healthy for you … even if they are painful to other people. I hate that you feel like you have to apologize for being honest about your pain, I know it hurts other people – but you deserve the support that you so willingly offer to others.

And to be honest, you are so much calmer and more generous than I was in 2004 & 2005. Watching other people’s dreams come true while your heart cries is painful and there are days when it’s really, really hard to see the happiness waiting for you in the end.

I hated when people looked at me with pity. I just wanted to smack them for making me feel pitiful.

Oh Casey, you are such a nice, good person, you’re the kind of person I’d like to be able to call my friend you know that? Because I too have been known to hurt people totally unintentionally–I never would on purpose it’s just not who I am–and I feel awful when I do hurt someone. But sometimes I’m just a little too honest. My husband says I either have no opinion (or am afraid to voice it) or totally lack tact and there is nowhere in between. I, think the man exaggerates. Ahem. At any rate, I also think it’s good advice, because I’d really not know what to do–in fact when I found myself pregnant with a very bad pregnancy that had no chance of surviving amidst infertile and struggling friends, I just didn’t tell anyone at all. I sat her and went through the whole series of doctors appointments, uncomfortable discussions, tears and ultimately miscarriage all by myself. Really all by myself. My husband said to me “I really have to work” and I said “I know” (and I did) and I went and it was only months later upon seeing my oldest, bestest friend in the whole world that I admitted to anyone I’d even been pregnant, and I felt guilty about it even then. So, I for one admire you for your whole attitude as well as your general sense of humor that always makes me smile. And your twitter’s make me giggle regularly.Maybe this little story needs to be my next blog entry. I doubt 3 people in the universe actually know what happened there. I didn’t take a day off work I just sat at home crying through my days until I didn’t anymore.

You are a Mormon version of me.

Just get an “I’m sorry; I’m passionate” tatoo… cuz sometimes our passions (be they positive or negative) have us being unintentionally hurtful.

And then realize that folks know you, and are as forgiving as you have been.

When I first started reading, I thought, “Is she a Sagittarius?” Because such behaviors are not unknown to that group. ;p

Cool post, though, I think it is quite brave of you to put this out there. Best Wishes.

I get it.

Can I put my own personal twist on this? If you have a friend who is struggling with being single and you get engaged/get pregnant, don’t wait and let them find out later either. Being single when I don’t want to be, it helps not to get bombarded with the news after the fact. And include single (and I would assume, women with infertility) women in your conversations about life – including marriage, pregnancy, babies, etc., etc., etc. No, we don’t know about all of it. But the parts we don’t get, we could stand to learn about. Because chances (or probability) are that someday we’ll get married, even though it seems hopeless at the moment. And when we do, we’ll need the knowledge you have to navigate the waters.

Thanks for addressing the hard stuff. You are even more awesome for doing so.

When you break a bone, the regrowth can be stronger than the original. Sometimes, you get a little extra growth. Doesn’t make it any more or less likely to break again somewhere else I guess. But that spot? You’re good.

God luck with whatever has prompted this post. Friendships… are complicated.

Everyone who is your friend and knows you that well will understand over time that you didn’t mean any harm. And that will bring you closer to them, as well.

And don’t worry – I don’t think you have the capability to unintentionally hurt me. I’ll be your huckleberry.

Been there done that. Yeah it sucks, but keep talking about it and your real friends will understand.

I’m one of the annoying ones who conceeded to PCOS. I gave up, bought a smaller car, made care plans and . . . (wait for it) yeah, 8 weeks later, I was pregnant.

It seems that although I wanted my kids two to three years apart. The universe thought that 4 years and 2 months was a better distance.

Have faith, and live your life for today (as best you can).

Wow, after my UGLY day yesterday this post has hit home. I too have been known to be not so nice, hard to believe I know, every now and again. It’s NEVER on purpose, and I always feel horrible later. I’m working on it, that’s all I can do.

Thanks for the post, you ROCK. See you in Chicago!

Honestly reading your blog and Adrienne’s blog I have learned so much about infertility. In your last post I told you I know more about my web friends than my IRL friends, that’s because no one discusses these things. No one! You just assume that if they haven’t gotten pregnant they either A.) don’t want kids or B.) are having difficulties. Keep doing what you are doing. I think you are helping more people than hurting.

Do you know how and why you’re great?
1. Because the people around you care enough to try to protect you from information they think will hurt you–even if they go about it the wrong way.
2. Because you try so hard to grow and learn from your experiences and THEN you try to educate others.

Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy…can I relate to this post! Don’t be too hard on yourself, mama. You are experiencing a battle that many are clueless on how to reach out (or not reach out) to you. Thank you for your honesty in this post. I am certain that it’s going to help others!
You are loved, mama!
Squeezes from a Hoosier!

I totally get this. I spent two years of my life in that same hell and 30 babies were born to our real life friends and colleagues during that period. Lots of times people conceived and birthed babies and I was still trying and waiting. I still strangely maintain the document on my desktop called “bitterness” where I keep track of each and every one of the 50 pregnancies and babies that have occurred since May 05 when I started. My son is nearly two and I still get a strange twist in my stomach when I see a pregnant woman on the street. This infertility stuff seriously messes with one’s head.

If anyone is giving you grief, they need to stop. It sucks so hard. People need to learn to understand.

Thank you for putting this out there. I found my self nodding my head and tearing up knowing exactly how you feel. Big hugs!

You’re amazing for just getting this into words. x

I think that there’s a really HUGE learning curve to becoming an adult, and not everyone is always willing to bend with you every time. And also I think that this post compliments your previous one about miles and wireless in that when you aren’t close to your friends to see and feel and touch them things get misconstrued(sp?), maybe? It’s so much easier to rant and rave at a table together or snuggled on the couch in yer jammies than here, in the electronic way. Yanno what I’m sayin’?

Honesty is good. Especially self-honesty, which always makes the other kinds of honesty easier to take. Makes it beautiful, really.

Constant disappointment is so hard. We’re here to give grace in the journey.

I told you about our neighbours that got pregnant when Daren and I had problems conceiving Thomas – and how I heard through my best friend. It did sting. I was genuinely happy for them too, so I didn’t get why they couldn’t tell me.
We’ve all done/said things we wish we could take back. But we all also have those friends that listen to those silly things and then forget them, knowing you didn’t mean to say them in the first place.
Compassion, baby.
By the way, I got Avitable pregnant. I thought you should be the first to know. We’re having it next week at BlogHer and naming it Casey.

Similarly, but differently (HA). I’ve watched several friends get engaged this year who’ve not been dating their boyfriends as long as I have. I’m 30, I’m in love, I know it’s right and I want to get married. I’ve said some very hurtful things (not to these lovely girls) but to others over why they shouldn’t be getting married. I hate that my jealousy does this to me and I’m REALLY genuinely happy for them, but still? HMMPH!!!

I heart you so hard.

*SOB*

I’ve no clue what’s happened but don’t be too hard on your cute self here Casey. What you are going through is just the worst, and you can blog about that and people can read or move on, but surely they realize this blog is about you – not a commentary on others.

Hang in there honey.

I’m pretty sure you’re lovely.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. We’re all human; we all of us have the capacity to hurt others, intentionally or not and it sucks. But I think anyone that has spent any amount of time around you, virtually or not, can see that if you do happen to hurt them that it’s not intentional.

I think everyone has the ability to be unintentionally hurtful from time to time. I think the fact that you apologize for your digressions and don’t act like they didn’t happen says something about you.

Great advice, it’s really brave of you to bare the fact that you’re imperfect.

If it’s any consolation, I offend often. I stick my foot in my mouth so often I’m starting to get stretch wrinkles.

I had to take down a blog post I’d written about a family member’s new baby (and how jealous I was of said little munchkin) because the family member didn’t like it.

We’re all bumbling through life, breaking vases and apologizing after we sweep them up.

Perfection is highly overrated. And honestly, very boring. It’s good that you can say this. Most people never would.

Every time I hear someone is pregnant right now, it makes me sad. Because right now, I should be. Like 16 weeks. But? I’m not.

I’m with you, I’d rather know, than not know. I’d rather someone just tell me than hide it. I am a big girl, I can handle it. (At least most days.)

Hey lovey.

Speaking to you and to my cousin in your shoes, with whom my relationship is limping and to whom I wish I could really say this…

It’s so hard to walk up and HAND someone a VALID excuse to be jealous, to dislike you. Especially someone you love.

It’s hard to trust that they will extend you as much grace as you [casey] describe here.

From this side, it feels more like warning about an impending spanking than a coming firework, because it’s something that I am ACTIVELY doing that can hurt you. And because of that, were our positions reversed, I’m not convinced I would be capable of extending the amount of grace you offer. I would probably snarl like a trapped animal.

I guess that’s what it’s most like. We all know that a trapped, injured animal will snap at us. But it’s not just that. Anyone with a heart knows that the animal has a good REASON to snap. We know that they’re already in pain and approaching them, even intending to be gentle, could add fear, and if they flinch from us it could hurt them even more.

The metaphor breaks down in several places, I know, but I think the feeling is similar.

It’s so true – you want to be honest with your friends about how much this hurts, but don’t want it to mean that people are afraid to tell you about pregnancy and babies. I struggle to find the balance at times, and it’s a tough road, isn’t it?

I’ve realized that if I’m going to be open and honest about how much this sucks, then I need to be the first one to make the effort in asking about peoples’ kids or pregnancies so they can see I’m ok with hearing about it. One day at a time, huh?

You are good people and even good people make mistakes unintentionlly. Noone is perfect. You are just big enough to admit that.

good for you.

I’m sure your strength comes from faith, love, and maturity. I’m simply in awe that you can effectively communicate such deep, strong feelings in such a way that we can all say we’ve been there (with an array of issues). I tried two months ago to communicate some similar feelings (but not regarding fertility) with a friend and I totally crashed & burned.

I appreciate knowing this. Knowledge is power for those, like me, who are clueless sometimes.

You know why.

I don’t know what to say since I am nodding along with every single comment made, but I just had to say something. I totally know about eating the humble pie. I hope that I don’t ever get used to the taste and actually like it.

xoxo

I so hear you. After three of my friends told me they were pregnant I actually said to one, “I do not want to hear if you are pregnant.” Turns out she was, and so of course waited to tell me. I felt so awful. But all was forgiven. As my sister put when asked if she was upset that I was pregnant (when it FINALLY happened) – she said no, she was totally envious, but very happy for me.

I just started reading you in the last few months. But I think that if you’re this self-aware, that you can’t really cause that much damage.

We all fall sometimes. Maybe it’s knowing how to get up gracefully that counts?

I think you owe it to yourself to cut yourself a little slack, ma’am. Everybody inadvertently hurts people with words once in a while. It’s just a part of life. I’m thinking the universe is still out of whack, and you are owed a few more “inconsiderate” statements, if only because you have had to hear, “So when are you having another baby?” more times than is even slightly reasonable. You don’t mean any more harm than those people who assume #2 is a simple choice.

I’m not sure what to say, but I wanted to reach out and let you know that I’m reading and I’m here and I still love you.

*squishy hugs*

my heart to yours my lovely friend.

Oh, you are so precious. You said this so well and it makes so much sense.

Steph

is it a coincidence that your post and thespohrsaremultiplying
(heather’s) post seem to be very similar today?

Dude, I totally get it. Two weeks after I miscarried our first baby I found out that my sister-in-law was prego and then a week later? My best friend. For a minute I was all HOW DARE YOU (be pregnant, be happy, TELL ME, etc) but then I realized that life goes on for others even when I am stuck down in the trench and yes, it sucks, but it’s good too. It gets your head out of your butt a little bit, maybe? Sorta? I don’t know. Totally feel you, though.

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I hereby apologize for not sharing all my “baby crap/talk” with you…I tend to do the “wrong” thing a lot to and hurt people I care about.

To make it up to you I will overshare with you but not right here in the comments…jeesh not everyone needs to know my bidness.

Big puffy hearts to you!

Oh gosh – I just went through the full, complete battery of “Relax” “adopt and you’ll get pregnant” “so and so did xyz and it worked for them right away”

I totally get it. I know how this goes. I’m sorry. Sometimes this whole thing just sucks. And that’s all I can say about it. Thanks for being so honest and open. ::hugs::

can’t thank you enough for this post. i needed it today.

I’ve actually asked my friends to tell me by email first. I am genuinely happy for them but telling me over email lets me get my ugly cry out of the way before I see them!

Honestly? That ‘mean’ post you refer to got me through a rough patch i was dealing with at the time, about the exact same problem. I think you’re allowed to be angry, especially to things that suck, like infertility. Letting yourself be angry makes you whole; blogging about it gives the rest of us freedom to be angry too.
So I hope you keep writing posts like that one. For me, anyway. Because you know you blog purely for my tastes…!

This blog brought a tear to my eye. I am not infertile (well at least I don’t think so), but I have been a divorced mom to a 4-yr- old (also a curly-haired blonde girly) for the past three plus years and am over 30. I so desperately want another child and it hurts to see so many of my friends getting pregnant and having babies while I flouder in singledom (it also hurts to see them getting married and buying houses too, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue). I want to do this whole having kids thing with the right person the second time around (and maybe third or more), but I’m so afraid that by the time I find that right person it will be too late. Going now before I cry more….Anyway, thanks for your viewpoint.

I do the same thing. It’s so awful, being such a clod. That’s what it’s like, it’s like being this big huge terrifying creature that doesn’t even understand it’s own size and strength and then constantly squashing the tiny creatures it wants to be friends with instead of… wow, crappy metaphor.

Anyways, I can relate and it sucks. Add to that my problems of long-windedness and my habit of making everything about me without realizing it, oh, and the belief that my opinion must be shared and I must share it LOUDLY until people feel as though I have ATTACKED them (their words, not mine) over something as inane as recent research on the effects of TV on toddler brains, it’s a wonder that I have any friends at all.

Here’s hoping something clicks and we find a way to be a little gentler with our peeps.

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