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finding humor in blood, sedatives and lady parts.
June 19, 2009

My uterine factory reset is fast approaching on Tuesday.

Today I went in for my pre-op appointment with Dr. SallyForth.

The good news? I don’t have to do a bowel cleanse the day before.

The bad news? Everything else besides not having to do a bowel cleanse.

I learned today that my uterus has a sick and twisted sense of humor. You see, my period was supposed to start on Monday (it’s Friday today.) I peed on some sticks throughout the week, nothing much, pretty much the norm around casa de moosh. I didn’t do one this morning because in my head I figured that I’d take one at the doctor’s office it would be positive and we’d all laugh at the irony of the situation.

Well it wasn’t positive.

And my period started (literally) the minute I left Dr. SallyForth’s office.

If only it knew what was going to happen to it on Tuesday.

Touché you filthy little trick playing wench of a uterus. I’ll show you.

I never really googled what was going to be happening to me. Since I’ve never had anything done that comes with a possible side effect of death I figured not googling worst case scenarios was better for everyone involved. However today Dr. SallyForth went over the details of what’s going to happen.

First is the Hysteroscopy. They’re going in the only direct way to my uterus. The same way babies come out. While they’re up in my business they’ll be doing a D&C.

“The dilation and curettage procedure is called a D&C. The D stands for dilation, which means enlarging. Curettage (the C) means scraping. Together, this procedure involves expanding or enlarging the entrance of a woman’s uterus so that a thin, sharp instrument can scrape or suction away the lining of the uterus and take tissue samples.“

NO PART OF THAT SOUNDS AWESOME. Especially since the aforementioned quote is followed by the phrase “D&C is usually a diagnostic procedure and seldom is therapeutic.” When would any part of that be considered THERAPEUTIC?

I’m considering having a zipper installed after the past five years of all this crap.

When they’re all done spelunking in my tenders that’s when they’ll gas up my belly like the Hindenburg and look around on the inside during a laparoscopy. Apparently I’ll get pictures as a souvenir. Silver lining I guess.

Now I put a vote out to you Internets. I need something to write on my belly in Sharpie the day of my procedure. You know, how when you have knee surgery on your left knee they have you write “YES THIS ONE” on your left knee and “NO NOT THIS ONE” on your right knee?

Only mine is way more awesome.

Related posts:

  1. why finding God is a tricky business.
  2. a uterine factory reset is scheduled.
  3. The one about the crazy lady (me) yelling on the plane (again.)

Comments off.

By Ali on 06.19.09 3:55 pm | Permalink

That was a tough one. You are hilarious, and I love your idea for writing on your belly. Only you!
Praying that this nightmare ordeal is over for you soon.

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:10 pm

@Ali, It’s really more of a serious inconvenience. Nightmares don’t involve narcotics. :)

By melissa on 06.19.09 3:55 pm | Permalink

for what it’s worth…i’m sorry you have to go through all of this.

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:11 pm

@melissa, Eh, anything worth having is worth working for right?
Or getting gassed up for?
Thanks.

By samantha jo campen on 06.19.09 3:57 pm | Permalink

“When they’re all done spelunking in my tenders” WAS AWESOME.

I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you Tuesday!

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:11 pm

@samantha jo campen, You know that’s exactly what they’re going to be doing.

By Andrea's Sweet Life on 06.19.09 4:08 pm | Permalink

As crappy as all this is, one day you’ll look back on it and… nah. Wishing you the best, Casey!

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:12 pm

@Andrea’s Sweet Life, Yeah. I just look back and freak other people out.

By jessica on 06.19.09 4:16 pm | Permalink

Total toss up between 10 lbs and leave cleaner. *snort*

I was so happy to find out they put you out for D&Cs. I was all terrified I was going to have to be awake while they dilated and scraped. All hail general anesthetic! Woo!

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:13 pm

@jessica, If I had to be awake? This Christian mouth would make heathens blush.

By Heidi on 06.19.09 4:49 pm | Permalink

Too funny!

I’ve had the hysteroscopy part done twice and the d&c part done once. It really wasn’t bad. I’m sure it would have been worse without the narcotics, but with the narcotics it was perfectly tolerable.

I haven’t had the laparoscopy part, but hopefully that nets you some good information.

Hope all goes well! Sending out prayers and positive vibes and all that jazz.

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:13 pm

@Heidi, plz send donuts too. kthx.

By Gretchen on 06.19.09 4:59 pm | Permalink

I had a cyst removed from my uterus via laparoscopic surgery and got rather awesome pictures…I posted them on my blog! ;) Good Luck Tuesday!!!

http://labtech-notsoboring.blogspot.com/2008/02/batman-saves-day.html

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:14 pm

@Gretchen, trying to decide if I want to look now or Wednesday…

Gretchen Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:51 pm

@Casey,

Guess I didn’t make it in time – sorry! I should have warned you that you should probably wait. I work in a science lab – so blood/surgery/etc…are all very “normal” to me – but I realize that also makes me very strange. Good Luck on Tuesday – the anticipation is always worse than the actual procedure.

By Debbie on 06.19.09 6:06 pm | Permalink

Now, I really wish that your period hadn’t come and that the test had been positive, but if it had, we wouldn’t have gotten this wonderful little Casey-gem:

“Touché you filthy little trick playing wench of a uterus. I’ll show you.”

You so funny!

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:15 pm

@Debbie, I won’t even let her know that all of this is bothering me. Joke’s totally on Uterus.

By Erika on 06.19.09 7:14 pm | Permalink

I seriously laughed out loud when I read the zipper part and apparently on the news they were talking about a little boy that had died. My family was like “That’s not funny why are you laughing”

I’m amazed you’re so cool, calm, and collected. Hooray for no bowel clense though. I’ve heard that’s really rough.

Needless to say, best of luck on Tuesday. I’m thrilled you’re able to stay so positive through it all!

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:15 pm

@Erika, YAY! The inappropriately timed laugh! My work here is done…

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:41 pm

@Erika, I’m pretty sure I could lose a few pounds with a bowel cleanse.
SILVER LINING.
I haz one.

By SciFi Dad on 06.19.09 7:55 pm | Permalink

At the risk of making you blush, before clicking through and realizing it was a poll and not a free-for-all, my suggestion was “Entrance” on the tummy and “Exit” above your butt cheeks. (What? I figure if you can write about hoohas and uteri (woah… spellcheck accepted that as proper pluralization… cool) then I can say butt cheeks!)

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:17 pm

@SciFi Dad, I guess that would answer the question of if they’re even going to be looking back there. I forgot to add “like my wax?” as an option.

By ClassyFabSarah on 06.19.09 8:05 pm | Permalink

Boo for the cleaning of the lady parts, but yay for the clean aforementioned parts. And the stories, no doubt.

Prayers headed your way…

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:23 am

@ClassyFabSarah, But if you met someone would you really judge them on the cleanliness of their ovaries?

ClassyFabSarah Reply:
June 21st, 2009 at 5:24 pm

@Casey, Well I don’t know, I guess I need to go make some new friends. And ask them how clean their ovaries are. This might take a while, I’ll have to get back to you…

By Jen on 06.19.09 8:32 pm | Permalink

I love that you can be funny in the face of this. I will be thinking about you on Tuesday. Love You This Much!!!

By Adventures In Babywearing on 06.19.09 8:36 pm | Permalink

Oh Casey I want to come hold your hand! I hope all goes well and I voted. : ) Can’t wait to see what you write…

Steph

By Chris on 06.19.09 8:44 pm | Permalink

Okay Casey. I seriously am going to have to THINK about which one to choose. However, I had to tell you, as always you’re CRACKING me up. Hubby is looking at me like “have you lost your mind?” as I laugh out loud. I have to ask, what person thinks PICTURES of this are a good idea? I mean, I’ve always thought it was nice to not see my insides…call me crazy…

Now, in all seriousness, I will be thinking about you, and good thoughts and prayers for a nice, healthy uterine reset and LOTS of good drugs. Let us know how you are, k? Because I may be 2000 miles away, and not know you, but I FEEL I know you from your blog. So, I’m also going to send some long distance hugs because a person can’t have too many good thoughts or hugs. :)

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:19 pm

@Chris, Really can’t. And it’s especially great if the worst happens? I have all of you to commiserate.

By Kat on 06.19.09 8:51 pm | Permalink

I just thought you’d like to know, You’ve got great verbage.

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:19 pm

@Kat, Well at least that won’t ever need scraping…

By Jen on 06.19.09 9:02 pm | Permalink

oh man I wish I could vote for more than one, haha You are amazing for keeping your sense of humor through all of this. Good luck! Or… break a leg… erm… um, what does one say for a hysteroscopy? heh

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:19 pm

@Jen, Get pregnant beesh.
I believe that’s the proper sentiment.

By Candace on 06.19.09 9:09 pm | Permalink

Are you going to need any help with little Miss Moosh while you’re recovering??

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:21 pm

@Candace, Why yes. Yes I am. My head is exploding from trying to work out the details. At least I have a distraction right?
Can you call me tomorrow? Or tonight?
THANK YOU BILLIONS.

Candace Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:37 pm

@Casey, I’ll give ya a ring-a-ling tomorrow morning. I know I’m not available the actual DAY of your uteral “festivities” (the 23rd, right?) but my schedule is wide open the rest of the week.

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:40 pm

@Candace, Fantastic. Perfect. Because so far Tuesday is the only day I have covered.
Procrastination may make me not have to have surgery right?

By susie on 06.19.09 9:26 pm | Permalink

I figure if they’re going to knock you out they could at least give you a killer wax – take full advantage of the narcotics, right?

Here’s hoping a newly cleaned uterus is just what moosh 2.0 is waiting for.

Casey Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 9:39 pm

@susie, Already have one! I forgot to add “YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE GOOD GROOMING!” as a votable option. Heh.

By Just Shireen on 06.19.09 10:01 pm | Permalink

Good luck on Tuesday! Thinking good thoughts for you.

Also, I think “Courtesy of the Naked Monkey” would have been a good one too. :-)

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:25 am

@Just Shireen, I’m so seriously considering adding it…

By Jen L. on 06.19.09 10:21 pm | Permalink

If you ever sit and wonder “I wonder why I’m Jen L’s favorite…” THIS POST is your answer.

Lots of prayers and good wishes coming your way.

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:26 am

@Jen L., Hurrrah! It’s hard to be someone’s favorite after talking about my period so thank you!

By Avitable on 06.19.09 11:58 pm | Permalink

I think “If belly is full, parking in rear” would also be a good one.

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:26 am

@Avitable, NO REAR! NO REAR!

By heatheribabble on 06.20.09 12:09 am | Permalink

Not that this helps much, but whenever my mom had to get a D&C she called it a ‘dusting & cleaning.’ Maybe those parts just need to be cleaned before they can work correctly

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:26 am

@heatheribabble, Way nicer than what D&C actually stands for. I was considering “DRUGS AND CAKE”

By Kimmy on 06.20.09 12:17 am | Permalink

Dear Casey’s uterus,

Be afraid. Be very afraid. And then shape up.

Respectfully yours,
Someone who wants to read about an adorable future moosh 2.0
—
Dear Casey,

GOOD LUCK!

Smooches,
Kimmy

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:27 am

@Kimmy, Please shape up to the shape of a fetus, with one inside.
kthx

By Meaghan on 06.20.09 1:19 am | Permalink

Oh Casey I’m keeping you in my thoughts. Tell your uterus not to be a tease and to start acting ship shape!

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:28 am

@Meaghan, We’re not currently speaking to each other, but when we do I’m going to beat it into submission.

By Adrienne on 06.20.09 2:02 am | Permalink

I remember about 30 yes ago my aunt went in for a D and C. When I asked my mother what it was she said a “Dusting and Cleaning of her lady parts”

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:28 am

@Adrienne, Drugs and Cake. Drugs and cake.

By Kimmie on 06.20.09 8:53 am | Permalink

I love you. I vote take out ten pounds while she is at it!

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:29 am

@Kimmie, Ironically it will be the exact area where I would like the ten pounds gone…

By perksofbeingme on 06.20.09 8:58 am | Permalink

I’m sending you lots and lots of love. I love you so much my dear.

By Heidi on 06.20.09 10:06 am | Permalink

Love your attitude!!! I always wondered why, as long as I was “out”, they couldn’t do my boob-a-gram, annual physical, liposuction and let me end up with a manicure and pedicure! Thinking positive vibes and prayers! Hey, if you can handle the paint colors in your awesome new house, you can handle anything!!! And just think of the lovely photos you will have!!

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:30 am

@Heidi, I CAN SEE IT NOW! “Ooh, that’s a lovely color” “Thanks! After my laparoscopy I matched paint colors to my ovaries!”

Heidi Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 6:39 pm

@Casey, Oh, I can see the color possibilities now – Ovary Orange, Laparoscopy Lime, Uterus Umber? A whole new color trend…..

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 9:29 pm

@Heidi, Don’t forget Fallopian Fawn, a lovely shade of taupe.

By Ohh Betsy! on 06.20.09 10:36 am | Permalink

I’m seriously a little sad right now that I didn’t get to draw something with a sharpie on my boobs when I had my surgery. Not that I would be remotely as clever but who can resist a boob joke?

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 11:30 am

@Ohh Betsy!, No one really.

By heather on 06.20.09 12:41 pm | Permalink

o.k.

i had something similar…hysteroscopy and d and c but they added some lovely boiling saline water and cauterized my entire uterus so it would stop bleeding every day of the month…sooooo….before hand i said to the smelly, obviously hung over anesthesiologist, that I would like him to be careful with the tube they put down your throat to help you breathe. I mentioned that i am a singer by trade (which means i actually pay bills most of which are our medical bills with my voice) so to please be careful when he jams it down between my vocal chords. he looked at me like i was some dumb idiot and said…”why would i be anything but careful and i usually use another tube that doesn’t have to go between the folds (you stupid, dumb, idiot woman)”…

he didn’t really say the stuff in the parenthesis but he was thinking it while he was saying it through the little white spit balls on either side of his mouth and some nasty crusty stuff on his top lip all while smelling like oily dirty man mixed with a hint of red wine.

So all this to say….I’m pullin’ for you tuesday, and can honestly say in your own words: “i’d rather poke my eyes out than have surgery.”

oh..and i think you should write w/ sharpie on your lower half:

can you tighten things up while your down there? my husband likes em young….

By Headless Mom on 06.20.09 2:40 pm | Permalink

You don’t need to write the “10 lbs.” thing.

Hugs and prayers comin’ your way!

Casey Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 4:30 pm

@Headless Mom, You haven’t seen me in a year. The year has not been kind to my waistline. ;)

By rachel-asouthernfairytale on 06.20.09 4:59 pm | Permalink

loves your guts.
even your needs to be worked on uterus.

HUGS and know that while I’m driving 5 1/2 hours on Tuesday, you’ll be what I’m thinkin’ about.

I’ll try to catch you Monday.

By Crystal on 06.20.09 5:01 pm | Permalink

Sorry you have to go through that. I hope everything comes out (ha!, er) ok.

By Domestic Extraordinaire on 06.20.09 6:33 pm | Permalink

She was very late for me too this month, and so I finally broke down and bought a test. I started after I peed on the stick! UGH!

ON a totally unrelated note-I swear that I saw your hubby’s twin today outside of our local Kohl’s. I kept doing double & triple takes wishing I had your # to call & confirm that this indeed was not your hubby. I think he thought I was checking him out.

By Rachael on 06.20.09 9:42 pm | Permalink

Hilarious! I wish you all the best of luck with this, it sounds like it’ll be unpleasant, but hopefully it will lead to something awesome for you.

By jess on 06.21.09 3:09 am | Permalink

What a crock of unfair crap Casey! I’m sorry you have to go through this. For what it’s worth, my mom went through 7 years worth of crap and 2 d&c’s, and in the end ended up with me (27 years ago). And this was after they were told there was no hope. There is always a reason to hope!

By Miss Britt on 06.22.09 12:35 pm | Permalink

Are you going to be twittering this? I expect #caseysuterus to become a trending topic tomorrow.

By Holly on 06.22.09 1:57 pm | Permalink

I tried having a sense of humor when I had this done. The medical form they gave me just before surgery had a list of possible complications and one of them was “perforated uterus”. The bottom of the form had an area for “comments to the surgeon” so I put “please don’t perforate my uterus”. They didn’t laugh…I hope your belly writing has a better audience. Don’t be too worried about the procedure itself – I’ve known several people who’ve done it and neither I nor them came away with any problems.

By Keary on 06.22.09 2:07 pm | Permalink

A little story for you. When I was about sixteen I remember being in my mothers Kitchen and her friend was there. This friends husband was an OB GYN. She was telling my mother that Jack was at an emergency D & C. My sister who was 9 at the time looked at her and said “whats a D & C” She said “Just a little Dusting & Cleaning honey”. Which if you think about it, it is.

By Krista on 06.22.09 7:51 pm | Permalink

I didn’t get any pictures when they did my laproscopy for my gallbladder. Boo, no fair!

Good luck to you, will be thinking/praying for you when I wake up in the morning…

By metalia on 06.22.09 10:27 pm | Permalink

Just wanted to wish you all the best for tomorrow when they get All Up In Your Bidness. I’ll be praying for you. And yes, apparently, I am the girl who will follow a sentence involving matters of or related to your Lady Town with one involving prayer.

Keep us all posted! xoxo

By Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry on 06.22.09 10:29 pm | Permalink

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

I had a hysteroscopy done at the end of May while away and it was…NOT.FUN. The good news was that the recovery was very easy.

I hope they get some answers from all of the work being done tomorrow. Sending positive vibes.

My son is having surgery tomorrow, too…must be a good medical day!

By Joe @ Irrational Dad on 06.23.09 6:40 am | Permalink

Do.Not.Want!

Good luck today Casey. Get lots of rest afterward. Ask the doctor if Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream is okay to gorge on later.

By moosh in indy. » squeaky bloated, fat and clean topped with pearls. on 06.23.09 9:28 am | Permalink

[...] belly is marked, the winning submission was “Please leave cleaner than you found it.” followed quite closely by “I [...]

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