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Hot: Day 5-Lowlights of my depressive history.
August 5, 2008

One of my friends let me know that she had heard my blog mentioned to day on a local radio station as a resource for depression. Phew. Nicole? Thanks for letting me know. And Laura, whoever you are? Thank you for thinking I know what I’m talking about.

I looked around tonight for my journals. I started one in 1994 when I had my first crush on Greg Shumway. I’ve kept one ever since. Uh, well, I kept one until I got a blog. So uh, welcome to my journal! My current crush is Cody, I think he’s sooooo cute. We share a bedroom together. The other day he said he thought I was funny. I think he’s going to ask me out. Gosh, he’s soooo cute.

Ahem. Anyway. As expected my journals are locked up tight in a Tupperware bin in the back of the closet of cluttery mysteries. And rightfully so. There are secrets and stories in those journals that can take hold of me like poison and drag me down before I can scream uncle. Cody has read them. I decided to reread them a while back and wondered why Cody was still coming home everyday after reading what was written in those pages. I was my own worst enemy. I hated myself. I destroyed myself. I was a hot mess.

One journal has an obituary I wrote out for myself, complete with picture.

Another has a piece of sandpaper I used to rub my wrists down to the bone with.

Many pages are filled with scathing letters to my family, mostly my mom. (HI! SORRY MOM! LOVE YOU! Whew! I was a stinker huh?)

One sentence reads “I was feeling ugly today so I called Chris (fake name) to make out (ahem) to feel better about myself.”

Many entries were written drunk.

Many pages are tear stained.

Some include pictures of old boyfriends, phone numbers written on matchbox covers and poems written to me by some boy trying to woo me out of my drawers.

I look back at what I allowed myself and others to do to my body. I felt sad and angry that my body, which should have only been given to my husband, had been through so much.

But supposedly your skin renews itself every three years and your skeleton renews itself every seven years. Which means that finally, after seven years of marriage, my body is my own again. Cody’s the only one who has ever been with this renewed physical body. And now that my body feels healed, my mind is having a much easier time recovering also.

And that? Feels good.

No related posts.


Comments off.

By merlotmom on 08.05.08 12:08 am | Permalink

You are brave, Casey. The fact that you let your husband read those journals, that’s awesome. Mine are in the back of my closet, to be read by no one. At least for now.

merlotmoms last blog post..Give Me The Grateful Life – Monday

By Alyson on 08.05.08 12:09 am | Permalink

I hear ya! I can totally relate.

Alysons last blog post..Blind Leading the Blind

By Erika on 08.05.08 12:10 am | Permalink

I think you’re amazing! It is so refreshing to read what you write. You are okay with being you which is so fantastic! Thanks for being so open and honest. It makes me not feel so alone in the big world where everyone puts on their perfect happy faces. Thanks for being real!

Erikas last blog post..Some of my favorites

By Kristin on 08.05.08 12:14 am | Permalink

I have a story, and some day I will tell it…you give me lots of confidence that when I am ready, it will all be okay still. You are a great writer Casey, and I appreciate your honesty more than you will know.

By Anissa@Hope4Peyton on 08.05.08 12:14 am | Permalink

Maybe there’s no “right way” to handle emotional upheaval, no etiquette for healing, but you are doing the best possible job of both. I feel your words in a place deep inside that stands up and applauds.

Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Picking the best summer photo

By Sarah on 08.05.08 12:16 am | Permalink

Here’s to the road you took to this point of healing. Here’s to many more years of healing!
Good for you

Sarahs last blog post..The Monday Review: Fragonard Perfumery

By Alyson on 08.05.08 12:17 am | Permalink

P.S. You are SO brave for letting your husband read your journals. I think I’d be way too nervous to let that happen, not that he doesn’t already know enough shocking things about me.

Alysons last blog post..Blind Leading the Blind

By Backpacking Dad on 08.05.08 12:22 am | Permalink

You are a person that I am happy and proud to know.

Backpacking Dads last blog post..Nicknames

By Mama Ginger Tree on 08.05.08 12:34 am | Permalink

That was so honest and such a sweet sentiment. I’m sure you are helping a lot of people by not being afraid to bring out your skeletons.

Mama Ginger Trees last blog post..Dear Hasbro:

By White Hot Magik on 08.05.08 12:35 am | Permalink

Wow, that was powerful. I wonder if you (we) had felt free to share back then if it would have helped. One thing I never ever want to do is be a teenager again. Ouch.

By Bree on 08.05.08 12:40 am | Permalink

I love this post. I think about myself as a teenager and I don’t recognize who I was. Thank goodnes.

Brees last blog post..Me and my job are breaking up

By Lara on 08.05.08 12:49 am | Permalink

i mean this in the most non-stalkerish way possible, but i just love you so darn much.

Laras last blog post..I Used to LOVE Recess…

By Rhea on 08.05.08 1:50 am | Permalink

We all have something in our past we’re not proud of, some more than others, of course. What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger, right?

Rheas last blog post..You asked for it.

By Camels & Chocolate on 08.05.08 1:53 am | Permalink

I agree with Lara: I heart you and grieve with you for all that you’ve been through. And I love that you have the balls to put it all out there.

Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Homecoming

By Heather on 08.05.08 2:51 am | Permalink

If we can’t look back at who we used to be, it is impossible to see who we are now. The path you took, however rocky, led you to Cody, your faith, and the moosh. Would you change your journey if it meant that your destination was different?

Heathers last blog post..Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

By Katie on 08.05.08 7:37 am | Permalink

What a neat way to think about restoration. I also entered my marriage a broken, scarred woman, but I love the way you point out that Cody is the only one who has seen the restored and redeemed version of you. I would never have thought about it that way, but it makes me feel better too.

Katies last blog post..Random Memory

By Nicole on 08.05.08 8:19 am | Permalink

I’m so glad you wrote this. You’re so strong to be able to put words like this onto a page for the world to see. I wish I could do the same, and I’m getting there…..slowly. I think we’re probably a lot a like, and we probably WERE a lot alike as teenagers. I’m sure if the girl from the radio checks in, she’ll feel uplifted.

By Kate on 08.05.08 8:52 am | Permalink

I really admire your honesty. That your willing to share your past with your readers, with your husband – and also with yourself. I think many people would throw away the journals and not look back. But part of healing is remembering how you got to where you are. And others will benefit from your story.

By Midwest Mommy on 08.05.08 8:56 am | Permalink

Wow, what a great post to help others understand what it is like. I like the renewing part, it makes sense…awesome for you.

Midwest Mommys last blog post..Jumperoo Snooze

By Just Shireen on 08.05.08 9:06 am | Permalink

I was just about to let you know about the radio station!

Thank you for your honesty and bravery. It’s definitely rare and very much appreciated and inspiring.

By koehmstedt on 08.05.08 9:13 am | Permalink

That was simply beautiful.

By rachel on 08.05.08 9:19 am | Permalink

God Bless you Casey.
This touched me straight to my soul.
You are an amazing and very strong woman.
Congratulations on being all yours again.
Thank you for being an inspiration to so many.

By maggie, dammit on 08.05.08 9:45 am | Permalink

Me, too.

Same box, same journals, same awestruck curiosity that my husband continues to come home to me anyway.

maggie, dammits last blog post..ANNOUNCEMENT: New OFD site and a give-a-way

By Angela on 08.05.08 9:45 am | Permalink

I’ve known about your body renewing itself but taking that thought process along with your body being your own again and renewed from the other crap is really cool.

Angelas last blog post..Should have been in last post

By Momo Fali on 08.05.08 9:50 am | Permalink

Dang. You took me from heavy to happy all in one post. Nicely done.

Momo Falis last blog post..That’s Miss Gonnakickyousaurus To You, Bro

By AMomTwoBoys on 08.05.08 10:04 am | Permalink

Glad to hear you’re renewed. I’ve never heard that, about your skeleton, and it’s kinda creepy if you think about it, but you somehow made it…nice.

You ARE inspiring. Keep it up.

By Megan on 08.05.08 10:13 am | Permalink

Great post, Casey. I like your way of thinking. Seven years and you are your own again. Stronger and ready to tackle the next hurdle life throws your way.

By Jill on 08.05.08 10:15 am | Permalink

I never really kept a journal and I’m glad I didn’t. I don’t think I could go back and read/re-live my college and immediate post-college years. Too much pain…

Jills last blog post..Blog the Recession

By Black Hockey Jesus on 08.05.08 10:25 am | Permalink

I like Eastern philosophy. Some of those crazy Asians think the body is renewed 6,000,000,000 times/day. All our days are just a string of explosions and births. That’s why I act like so many people.

Black Hockey Jesuss last blog post..Writing

By MommyTime on 08.05.08 10:32 am | Permalink

This is really inspiring. I don’t think I would be brave enough to let my husband read my journals (not even after reading this), but I love the idea of renewal here. Makes me feel more at peace. And I’m so glad it does that for you. You deserve it.

MommyTimes last blog post..The Ballet My Body Remembers

By Miss Britt on 08.05.08 10:50 am | Permalink

I’ve been married 8 years. Thank GOD.

I can’t wait to go home and explain to my husband what that means. To both of us.

Miss Britts last blog post..Is This What They Mean By “Rediscovering Your Marriage”?

By pam on 08.05.08 11:07 am | Permalink

That really helped me, thank you.

By Toots on 08.05.08 11:11 am | Permalink

Thank you for always being so honest. That is really refreshing. Your courage helps a lot of people, I’m sure.

Tootss last blog post..First was love, then was marriage, and now?

By Josie on 08.05.08 11:13 am | Permalink

I think you’d be surprised at how many people are and have been in a similar situation as you. I love the bit about the skin and skeleton renewing itself. Coincidently, I think it takes a person about 7 years to feel like old “skeletons” are out of their closet and done with as well.

Josies last blog post..Practicing

By dana on 08.05.08 12:03 pm | Permalink

I think you should write a book, Casey. Seriously.

By Bennie on 08.05.08 12:07 pm | Permalink

I’ve been putting my own “depression story” on hold for awhile but I guess it’s time to confess. Like you it’s important to let people know there is help and a way out of that pit.

I also haven’t forgotten our little blog game coming soon. to stick with your theme, I think Tina Fey is HOT.

By Rhi on 08.05.08 12:19 pm | Permalink

You are an awesome, awesome gal. I’d be so afraid to read my journals, so freaking afraid.

Rhis last blog post..Important Ovary Surgery

By Don Mills Diva on 08.05.08 12:21 pm | Permalink

It feels good to read this.

I just love your attitude and I love this “journal.”

Don Mills Divas last blog post..My style, it is a-changing

By noble pig on 08.05.08 12:24 pm | Permalink

I applaud your honesty. So many people go through so many things and talking about them makes you real to others. Kudos to you on that.

By kristi on 08.05.08 12:55 pm | Permalink

I like that. Renewed.

By Rachel on 08.05.08 1:04 pm | Permalink

Thank you for sharing your journey. Depression is a hard road and nearly constant battle. And yet there is always hope.

Rachels last blog post..Invasion!!

By Ally on 08.05.08 1:25 pm | Permalink

Casey – Thank you for sharing a window into the dark halls of your past. I, too, have some old journals filled with dark secrets, but I have been hesitant to share them with my husband, even though he was right there witnessing a lot of it. You have made me re-think that decision. Perhaps, I may share them with him, too, and get myself renewed also.

Allys last blog post..Date Ideas!

By Lindy on 08.05.08 2:16 pm | Permalink

you let him read your journals?? Ya I don’t think so.

Lindys last blog post..20 days

By April Barrett on 08.05.08 2:43 pm | Permalink

Wow! Those are some interesting comments on the radio program. Stop nursing (that helped me not be so depressed because I was closer to my baby), leave your hubby (like you need to be more alone!), take a blood test to see if you have a hormonal imbalance (have you every had a blood test for depression? I wish it was that easy!) I just love when people have “very helpful” comments! Funny! What’s sad is people hear this stuff and take it as reality/truth instead of getting real help. Disturbing!

April Barretts last blog post..Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Anyone? (5-8-08)

By HeatherPride on 08.05.08 2:50 pm | Permalink

Wow – so sorry that you’ve been through so much – but I loved that last paragraph you wrote. It kinda made me feel better about some of my body’s past experiences too!

HeatherPrides last blog post..Photo Essay: The Family Picture

By April Barrett on 08.05.08 2:51 pm | Permalink

I just read the rest of your post and I am glad you feel better! Also, I have to clarify my comment…I meant to say that by nursing I felt closer to my baby and it helped my maternal insticts kick in. When I would put her down then I didn’t want to pick her back up so I tried to hold her as much as possible to help me. I made it sound like stopping nursing is a good idea-it’s not going to help with PPD (unless, of course, you are having problems nursing!)

April Barretts last blog post..Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Anyone? (5-8-08)

By Jia@ColorMeUntypical on 08.05.08 3:44 pm | Permalink

Rock on sistah-friend! I knew there was another reason I simply adored you. I went through many similar things when I was younger, and I agree, looking back and seeing how much you’ve changed and how you’ve healed is a beautiful experience. You’re a beautiful and wonderful person Casey, and you’re helping to touch lives everyday!

Jia@ColorMeUntypicals last blog post..I’m Not a Polygamist

By Kristabella on 08.05.08 5:18 pm | Permalink

Part of life is growing and changing into a better person. And the fact that you wrote that all down is a reminder that you know where you’ve been and HOW FAR you’ve come.

You’re an inspiration to a lot of people!

Kristabellas last blog post..Mother Nature: Providing Drama Since The Dawn Of Time

By Barb @ getupandplay on 08.05.08 7:01 pm | Permalink

Isn’t it scary to read what your past self had to say? It makes me more thoughtful of what I write down- I want to be more authentic in recording both the good and the bad times.

And, ha ha, Greg Shumway!

Barb @ getupandplays last blog post..Vote Smarter

By Kristin on 08.05.08 7:24 pm | Permalink

It can’t be easy to share your past with all of us. I hope that it helps. I love reading you!

Kristins last blog post..Cage Fighting

By Assertagirl on 08.05.08 7:45 pm | Permalink

I used to keep journals, too, but not since I’ve been blogging. They’re tucked away some place safe. I don’t get them out much because they remind me of how sad and insecure I was as a young person.

Assertagirls last blog post..The First Ever Assertagirl Caption Contest

By Amie on 08.05.08 10:32 pm | Permalink

i have been reading your blog for some time now but have never commented…i just wanted to write now and tell you thank you, thank you for being you and for being honest, i love reading your blog!

Amies last blog post..he makes me laugh…

By Mrs. Schmitty on 08.05.08 10:34 pm | Permalink

I think it’s awesome and brave that your husband read your journals. I couldn’t even keep mine. I actually destroyed them. I just couldn’t deal with reading them anymore.

Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..The Dreaded C Word

By slynnro on 08.05.08 11:03 pm | Permalink

Wow. I can’t believe you were able to allow him to read that. Brave. My old journals are embarrassing in that dopey typical teen way and I could never share them with my husband. You have something amazing there.

slynnros last blog post..Cheaper Alternatives to Products Slynnro Reccomends

By Camille on 08.06.08 12:41 am | Permalink

That was brave of you–firstly to write them at all, secondly to let your husband read them, and thirdly to share them with the world.

Your theory on renewed bodies is very inspiring, and one that I will take to heart myself. Thank you.

Camilles last blog post..The Sweet Life of a Single Wife

By becky on 08.06.08 1:47 am | Permalink

Brave woman. I asked my husband to never read my journals. Am thinking of having him burn them when I’m gone. But maybe I’ll let the kid decide if he wants to read through the drivel. I don’t write much on paper anymore, either, but I do miss it. I love journals and notebooks.

beckys last blog post..And so it goes – something ends, something else begins

By Angie on 08.06.08 11:46 am | Permalink

This post has resonated with me since I read it yesterday. I went to listen to the radio clip. (And P.S….this means you’re officially only ONE person away from knowing everyone in Indy…true that). There’s a more universal theme here, Casey. You’re appealing to women everywhere, and the struggles they face with any kind of role change or role definition — be it wife, pregnant woman, mom, daughter, sister, friend. And that’s why God gave you such an incredible gift…to touch the lives of so many. When you know that God has touched you in such a way, you know things are going to work out perfectly…the way they’re supposed to.
P.S. Who’s started the “I Hear Casey” fan club?! I wanna be a charter member.

By Amy in StL on 08.06.08 2:56 pm | Permalink

Wow, I had no idea. I like the idea of your body renewing itself. I’ve also had some bad past issues that I think I’ve finally grown out of. The idea of being totally renewed in seven years seems like a nice fresh start – way better than carrying all that past luggage around.

By Yolanda on 08.07.08 12:49 pm | Permalink

beautiful.

By Half-Past Kissin' Time on 08.07.08 3:17 pm | Permalink

I kept an old journal for about 10 years before I finally threw it in the burn barrel. It was liberating.

Half-Past Kissin’ Times last blog post..Reunion Recap

By Isabel on 08.08.08 5:51 pm | Permalink

I’ve seriously considered mailing my high school journals to Eric Roundy…since they are all about him. I was such a a loser.

(Cody’s a good guy! You should keep him around.)

By Feather Nester on 08.08.08 9:55 pm | Permalink

That’s such a great concept: the skin and bones renewing themselves. I’ll have to think on that one a while, but I am initially comforted by it. I, too, have a lot of decisions I regret from when I was younger, things I did for the wrong reasons that ultimately were because I hated myself. And it sometimes seems tragic that I wasted those years on people who didn’t love me. So thanks for that renewal concept because it really rings true for me and feels good to focus on.

Feather Nesters last blog post..Friday Favorite

By Mrs. Wilson on 08.09.08 10:10 pm | Permalink

Amen to that. I wish I could go back to the then-me and slap her and tell her to smarten up. I didn’t do the sand paper thing, but definitely did the booty call thing to make myself feel better!!

By Perksofbeingme on 08.10.08 1:42 am | Permalink

99.9% of that is true for me. How I wish I could find that strength that you have.

By Chris on 05.20.09 2:30 pm | Permalink

Again, I learn something from your blog. I had no idea the skeleton renewed itself every 7 years. That is a really empowering thought. Not for the same reasons you said but because I was (brutally) abused as a child and it seems very healing to think my abuser has never TOUCHED this body. Thank you, Casey!

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